I went running into the middle of the Wiltshire countryside, darkness still in the sky, no-one near me for miles, and yet I did not feel alone. Did not feel lonely.
How does that work?
I think of all the times when I feel alone, even though there are people all around me, when I am in the centre of London for example, one of the busiest places in the world. I can stand there are feel so sad and lonely that I want to cry. And yet there are other times when I feel completely alive, energized by all the people that are surrounding me. Feeding off the buzz of their energy.
I believe that the times I feel truly lonely are the times that I want to share myself, share my life and feel I am not. It has been several years since I last truly shared my life with another. Most of the time I can accept that. I am a fiercely independent person and I can provide, or find a way to provide for most of my needs. But there are times when I crave more. Times when I want to share my life and me with others. I can do this with friends, and even work colleagues to a certain extent, but they will never fully share my life.
Take this morning for example. I tend to wake a little negatively minded in the morning, I think the mind demons awaken at night and it takes a while for them to fall asleep, to be replaced by the shining gods of the mind. There are exceptions to this. When I awake in another person's arms the phrase "contentment" springs to mind. I do not believe it possible to feel contentment and loneliness at the same time.
Continuing on with this morning's example, how did I get from feeling lonely and not being alone, to being alone but certainly not lonely?
I think that when the mind demons take over they steal a little part of me. I lose me when they are in power. It does not take long for me to make them go sleep - I do not think that they like exercise so they leave me when I run! They quietly make swift their exit and those shining gods come alive. I can never be lonely when these shining gods are around. They give me back myself and as long as I have that then I will never be lonely.
That is probably why I enjoy running and writing so much. The two doth combine very well. I am sharing myself as I write, it is almost like having a conversation with another person. And it allows me to see structure within my thoughts. Why do I think this, why do I think that? By writing I can focus on the question that I am actually tryin.g to ask, and by focusing I can normally come up with a pretty good and strong opinion
