If it is stressful, is it "positive stress"?
I woke at 4 am this morning with a racing heartbeat. I am unsure whether this is due to excitement or anxiety. I have a race today, a semi marathon that is part of my training plan. It is an important race as it will give me an indication of my true fitness. I have negative emotions towards racing as it takes away so much of what running means to me. Takes away my freedom and the "carefree" experience. I will be surrounded by people, running at a different time than usual, eating differently, there will be no dogs and I will be racing the clock. My body will ache from the effort and I will want to stop, or at least slow down to the comfortable running pace that I know will keep me going for hours. Then there are the "after effects", people will ask me how I did and I will want to tell them that I did well, but normally I do not feel that I have run well. I am rarely genuinely happy with my performance. And yet I know that when I am happy with my performance it gives me a huge confidence boost.
I want to do some work around my negative thoughts on racing, try some psychology techniques. I want to be able to accept all race performances, use them as learning experiences in a positive way. I feel this is an important element that I need help on as my attitude is restricting me - I will avoid races due to both the before and after effects.
I could not return to sleep this morning, my heart kept pounding heavily, mind kept thinking. I also start my new job tomorrow, which I am extremely excited about and yet a little nervous, due to the unknown...
This period in the morning, after sleeping, dreams and before the next day begins, is the best time to have a cuddle. The most relaxing cuddle of the day, so warm and reassuring. Feel so content wrapped in another persons arms, share their warmth and energy - switch off from the unspecific thoughts running through the mind. Drifting along in the spell of contentment before moving into the reality of present and every day life. It saddens me to think how I can almost disregard some of the things that are truly important to me, how easily I can sometimes break that spell. Pulled out by a "must do this" or "must do that" attitude. Do I really have to "do this & that".....
I do feel extremely positive this morning, and also energetic. Based upon those feelings, I believe that the reason for my racing heart is excitement. If it is anxiety, then the good things that are happening in my life are outweighing the negatives, ensuring that positivity reigns!
Going back to the original question relating to racing being exciting or stressful, I believe it to be both. The little glimmer of possibly achieving a personal best is exciting. The thought of a new experience (if it is a race I have never done), meeting old friends and possible new friends is also exciting. Taking today's race for example, with two miles to go I over took a young man who had just about given up having started too quickly. I touched his shoulder, giving him a little push and said some encouraging words to him. It was just the boost that he needed. At the end of the race he went on a mission to find me and thank me for helping him find that energy to finish. What a hugely positive experience for us both!
But there is also the stress of getting to the start on time, fully prepared and with expectations to be met. Knowing what pace I need to run at, when I should take food or water. Worry that I might get "runners tummy" at some point, maybe I wont be able to finish the race for some reason. And today there was the extreme worry of my ankle. I am enduring a lot of pain from it just now, I do not know if it is temporary or if it is the downwards slope to my early retirement. I am not yet prepared for this eventuality. I have so much more running to do. I was told five years ago that I would never run again - I have turned this around and strengthened my ankle as a result, but the injury still exists and at the moment the pain is very real. I am on "borrowed" time I know, but I want to extend that for as long as humanly possible.... It saddens me deeply to think that my running dream might one day be brutally taken away from me, all because of a mistake that was not mine.
Tears in my eyes at this moment as I write these words, I am not going to let this go yet. People sometimes call me extremely tenacious, you ain't seen nothing yet!!
I learned a lot from today's racing experience, which I will write about in my training diary. It did confirm my opinion that racing is both exciting and stressful in a positive way. And yes, I was happy with today's performance!
