I awoke this morning feeling sad. I went looking for answers....
I struggled to find myself within my mind last night. Struggled because sometimes I need a helping hand. Sometimes I cannot find what I need on my own.
I did ask someone for help last night. My request for help was met with silence. Absolute silence. It was a simple request, but one that meant a lot to me, was very significant to me. I interpret this silence to be a "no".
Upon receiving this answer, hope flew out the window and I finally realised the reality of the situation, and struggled to accept what I need to accept. This refusal of acceptance forced me down into a temporary little pit. I do not think that I ask a lot from people. I think I am very independent and self sufficient. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I need to address this.
Last night, after all my thoughts and words yesterday relating to "hope", I finally lost hope and this hurts.
There are times when hope has to be removed. When it is a fruitless mission to continue. Certainly when the effort to maintain it negatively affects another more serious situation, then one has to be prioritised over the other. I find that hard to accept. I feel like I am being forced to remove it. It is brutally pulled from me, by a negative force.
Or maybe, perhaps maybe I don't have to "lose" it, instead "replace" it with something else - "optimism". Optimism is a positive feeling, based more on a logical train of thought that there will be a positive outcome. It is less emotional than hope and does not provide the same energy or drive, does not provide inspiration - but it is still good!
Therefore I will turn this "lost hope" into 'optimism' based upon the reality of the situation, based upon facts and a logical process of thought.
I do not like when I lose a feeling, I feel as though I have failed. Feel as though I have lost a little part of the essence of what makes me, me.
I will grieve this loss for a short while, but only for a short moment in time. The hardest part from this point forward is that I know for this transformation to work, I need to switch off. The only way to switch off is to close the door. Close the door and lock it shut. No words or sights may pass through. I will not throw away the key, just hide it somewhere safe, one day maybe find it again.
And so, hope turns to optimism. No matter what I will not become a pessimist.
I struggled through the day, mixture of sadness and regrets. This burden held me back today. I will not allow that to be. I cannot wobble just now, it is too important in my evolutionary journey, my progression in life. Therefore my resolve must remain. I must close that door in the knowledge that it might be forever.
Tomorrow brings a new day. And with a new day, a new hope. I know that feeling will be there, bringing with it the person that I have come to like. I do not break promises, and I made a promise to myself not so very long ago. I will always find me again, no matter what it takes I will always be there for myself.
Until the time when someone else can be there for me, unconditionally there for me and I for them.
