24 hour running

24 hour running. Mention that concept to most people and they respond with “why”??!!

My reasons for attempting a 24 hour race would make a story of their own and originated several years ago. However, the long term plan was to run one after I had conquered 100k and matured as a runner. I have not yet done that, but the lure of a Scottish vest and the chance to run in another Commonwealth Championship was too much, and at 12pm on 7^th May I found myself in Basel, Switzerland on the start line of a race which would not finish until 12pm on 8^th May and would hopefully see me run further than I had ever run before. 4.9 marathons was my dream target.

What now follows is not a precise, blow by blow account of the race, (that can be found in “the book” when published!), this is merely a summary based upon what I felt and saw and also Ian's account of the race for the times when I was neither aware nor conscious. Times of feelings are approximate, based upon memory, factual events prior to 9pm are precise, courtesy of Ian's fabulous recording system of what I said and what I ate or drank on each lap!

The location for the race was St Jakob Park, in Basel, Switzerland, the course 1.15km around a sports field. Organised by Sri Chinmoy Marathon Team, the support, set up and food provided was excellent pre, during and post race. There were even bunk houses for any participants that might need a little sleep during the race.

There are different approaches to 24 hour running, some people never stop and keep on running or run/ walking, others blast a few hours and then sleep, before returning to churn out a few miles. My plan was to keep on moving forwards for the full 24 hours with Ian support me all the way....

The first few hours were relatively comfortable as I tootled around the course, taking in the sights and sounds of the park, familiarising myself with every turn, land mark and more importantly, where the toilets were!

The temperature climbed into the high 20°s and then above 30°, peaking at 32° for many hours. Even running very slowly and taking on liquids and electrolytes on most laps, I could feel the heat taking affect upon my body. Several people had dropped out of the race and were being treated by the medics in the shaded areas. I tried to not let it phase me, just plod on and get to the early hours of the morning when the temperature would drop and I would be in “Sandra time”. For those of you that do not know me, my daily ritual (and one that I love) involves me getting up at silly o'clock and going running with our husky dogs for hours.

Around 5.5 hours disaster number 1 struck. My ankle started causing severe pain. I had been managing the discomfort of a dull ache since the first hour, but nothing more that I normally have to manage each day. Fear struck me as the pain worsened as I remembered Keswick. I stopped to change shoes and put on my ankle support, but the next two laps had me limping as the pain was so severe. Tears followed and once again I was facing retirement from Ultra running for life.....

Before retiring, I decided to try tubi-grip and if that failed I would try one dose of co-codamol, codeine being the absolute last gasp attempt at staying on the course. Last time I tried that one my body remained in the race, but I think my mind went somewhere else!

Full length tubi-grip upon my ankle and off I went. Lap 51 pain subsided, lap 52 pain subsided furthermore, lap 53, pain gone. And so it remained. Ankle was not a problem for any of the remainder of the race. Who needs expensive supports/ braces when a free NHS option provides the cure!

Next problem was the oppressive heat finally wearing down my Scottish body. Not used to these excessive conditions it could not cope. I started showing all the signs of heatstroke, but refused to admit it. Ian knew better and managed to convince me to lay down for a while to try and bring down my temperature. I continued to fight, struggled to my feet and got back on the course for another few laps.

Each lap got slower and harder as I felt my mind drifting in and out of reality. I felt my target slipping away and realised that if I did not do something, I was in danger of not being on the course when the final whistle was blown.

I staggered into Ian's arms and plopped to the floor where I was rapidly treated as I fought the mind demons in my head. “Quit now and you quit for life” etc. I told myself “just one little sleep and I would be back up...”

Fast forward one hour and I tried to get back on my feet. My body was having none of it and decided that completely shutting down and removing all my stomach contents at the same time would have the desired affect of stopping me. It worked, I stopped, but it also nearly resulted in an emergency call for an ambulance, which thankfully Ian was able to convince the medics that he would follow their advice and if I worsened then we could rethink the need for an ambulance...

Another hour later I tried again to rise to my feet and Ian accompanied me around the course for two laps. I was still in serious danger of collapsing again. I was defeated. Time to quit the race and go sleep in the bunk house, I would run no more that day. But, I did keep my race number around my waist for some reason....

A few hours later, I decided to get out of bed and return to walking the course. Body still said no and thankfully Ian stopped me from falling once again and placed me back upon the bed. More sleep until 8:34 and then BINGO. I awoke and felt very much aware of my surroundings. This time I did get up and remained up. Back on course to finish the lap that we had started about 5 hours ago, to much relief from the officials. Managed a decent sized breakfast and I was back on the course gently jogging and determined to stay upon my feet until 12pm.

The temperature was already 24° and it wasn't long until I started feeling hot again. Determined not to be beaten and with Ian's help, we managed to control the nausea and ensure correct fluids and food were taken, dampening me down with cold water after each lap..

As the time moved closer to 12pm I felt my strength returning, and as each lap passed by I became more confident about speeding up. I felt good again and soon was lapping people as most had resorting to walking. I ran past the male who was leading the race as well as all the female runners.

I was given a flag to carry for one lap when I reached the 100k mark, and boy was I glowing with pride as I raced around that lap. I might be way off target, but I once again had proven that I was not a quitter. I had rested, but I had not given up, and I had some more miles to clock up. My next target was to run further I had ever before, which at 108k, was a realistic target. People recognised me as a “casualty” from earlier and offered tremendous support as I ran. It was amazing and their energy fed into mine and encouraged my legs to move faster.

Then mini disaster number 4 (don't worry about the ones that I did not share...). Major explosion on one of my toes, could only mean one thing!

Change of socks, and several Compeeds and zinc oxide tape later and I was back running again. Turns out the damage was a little worse than just one little toe, several toe nails will not be joining me on my next running adventure, but I am sure the new ones will be even better.......

As we neared the end, Ian explained that I would be given a flag to carry on my last lap. This confused me a little as most people appeared to have been carrying a flag for some time. It took me a little while to work out that it was taking them significantly longer than me to complete each lap. I was now running each lap around seven minutes, which was faster than any other point of the race for me. I was handed my flag at 23 hours and 53 minutes, if I kept up the pace I would just be able to complete one more full lap.

As soon as I had the flag in my hand I felt an immense sense of pride and my legs kicked as I ran forward. Ian ran round with me (just off the course) explaining what I had to do with my flag as soon as the hooter went.

I had to slalom around people as I negotiated the course for one last time. I had to complete this last lap, a magical power helped me along and it felt like I was flying. I made the lap and the hooter did not go off. I actually managed about another third of a lap, and pending confirmation from lap splits, ran the last lap in well under 6 minutes, probably closer to 5. Not bad for the end of a 24 hour race, and confirmation that I can be good at this, just wait until the next one, which will be colder. Antarctica here we come......

My thanks and gratitude to Ian for his never ending support. Special thanks to Izzy, Steve, Stephen, John, Les and Margaret for their support during the race and beyond. And thanks to the organisers and fellow runners who all connected with me at some point during the race, especially the cameraman who appeared to like my vest!! I apologise to those that chose to rest near to where I fell unwell and to the those that got to see my feet. I hope the trauma does not last too long.

I run, while others dream, and I dream....

3:30am this morning I awoke, jumped out of bed, threw on my running clothes and try to sneak through the front door while sleeping huskies dreamed. I failed. Kez was instantly alerted to my intentions and blocked my route from kitchen to front door, and Kobi tapped my legs with his little paws (must remember to not teach the next puppy to "touch" - huskies kinda like to "touch" with emphasis!).

The reason for my early start today? If I am serious about attempting a 24 hour event, my body needs to know what it feels like to run at every hour of the day. Listening to experienced 24 hour runners, 4am tends to be the worst time, which unsurprisingly does not phase me as I daily fall out of my bed around 4:30 to run across the Wiltshire countryside.

I love early morning running for a number of reasons. There are very few people around at this time, people are sleeping and I am in "my world" alone. Where there are no interuptions to disturb me from my thoughts and dreams in "my world".

The animals of the countryside keep me company if I need: Brock the badger on his slumbering slog back to Betty; Fred fox trying to sneak up on the first batch of this year's baby rabbits, unfortunately born too early, with a low survival rate; Snowy the barn owl, struggling to raise a family in his declining prefered home; Riva the Roe deer, less weary this morning as I chose to leave the huskies behind. There are others, all that I see regularly and each has a story to tell...

As I run, the miles slip by as I think, analyse and dream. I dream that Kai is running alongside me, like he used to all those years ago. I feel safe when I think that I feel his presence, him protecting me now as he did in life.

I think of all the hurtful and negative comments that people make to me, how hurtful I find them and how I can manage my mind to just let them "bounce off". I know I am super sensitive, and I also know that there are people out there that are not capable of sharing positive words about everyone. I do not know their circumstances and do not care to know, but hope that one day they learn that sharing positive words and comments is so much more rewarding. It is empowering when you see another person's face light up, inspired by a word, by a recognition.

Today I made a resolution to myself about how I will cope with those comments. They will keep on coming, of that I am sure! My strategy will be experimental, if this one does not work, I will try another strategy. I will not give up because if I do I will give up on doing what I love, and what I am.

My run today takes me round Salisbury's "Three Peaks". Not quite of mountainous standard, more like mole hills, but definitely hills in this relatively flat area of Wiltshire. There is Figsbury Hill, Old Sarum Hill and Laverstoke Down Hill, plus a little peak just above the Woodford Valley. The ground is very muddy and sticky underfoot, tough going but brilliant training. Energy levels good and no ill effects from yesterday's speed session with little Kobi and Kez. Thinking of both dogs, there are some fabulous stories that I can share about both of these guys. Kobi - the Usain Bolt of the dog world, Kez - the Haile Gabraisalle (note to check spelling later...)

It has been so long since I last wrote, so many adventures and experiences in the last year. I have some catching up to do...

The surprise of my early morning run was the chainsaw massacre of trees (I think) by Network Rail. 5am on a Sunday morning, in a residential area and these guys have chainsaws verberating throughout the neighbourhood. I could still hear the resounding growling as I ran over Laverstoke down towards the Hampshire side of home.

Mission accomplished I return to bed with a litre of rego, happy that I had succeeded in another area of my training. 30 minutes later I had to get back out of bed, run a bath and have a very hot drink! My body temperature had plummeted and there was no way that I could sleep. I will learn this lesson well and do things slightly differently next time

The Hibernation Habits of an Ultra Runner

Yes, I do still run.

Yes, I do still write!

Just been a little preoccupied with "stuff" - funny how one cannot always manage time to allow all of life's "wants" to be done.

Whilst I play catch up, some interesting life developments in summary....

1. Finding "the one" at the local Marathon.

2. The wonderful world of PARKRUN

3. Postponing life whilst waiting for ankle surgery.

4. Kick starting life whilst waiting for ankle surgery!

5. From Ultra Runner to "speed freak" - dropping down to 5k races.

6. Passporting "kiddies" in preparation for an assault on the European Canix community.

7. Chasing course records

8. Eating for two....

9. Running London Marathon in reverse

10. Hitting "the wall" at mile one of a marathon

11. Chasing the dream - 100k UKA champs one last time?

12. Sponsorship opportunities that actually work!

When a race achieves its objective

Gosport Semi Marathon a distant memory, time to try another similar race. This time with a different objective. A run for fun and a wee blast before next week's 3 race challenge....
Conditions could not have been worse (well they could have but for the purpose of this piece please try and imagine the worst conditions ever!), freezing cold, torrential rain and crowds of people all around me. Not good for a claustrophobic runner.
Wise words from coach firmly etched in my mind "you love to run, racing is running, therefore you enjoy racing" I leapt forward as the gun when off and braced myself for the onslaught.
Within the first 0.5 mile I had to check my stride and almost stop as someone cut right in front of me, two hundred yards later it happened again,and then again. I could feel my ankle react and my mind transported temporarily back to Gosport. Not today. I could not stop today. I dug deep, then deeper and then I found what I needed for that moment. I got angry felt it grow in my belly and into my mind. How rude these people were, do they not have any racing manners at all. It is almost paramount to bullying and very selfish too. Overtake and then cut directly in front of person, causing them to alter their stride just because you want that line. If you are running faster than me then please just continue for a few strides more and let me enjoy my run too.
I am almost ashamed to say this (as it is comparing myself to others which one should not do), but I thought "how many of these people have represented Great Britain, run in a World Championships, and become a Champion of a Nation"?
On that thought, I breathed deeply and continued on my path with a strong mind. I did not get anxious, did not try to escape, just ran.
After a few more miles the crowds had thinned and it was no longer a problem for the claustrophobic runner. I was in the zone, running very comfortably and enjoying the race, even enjoying the rain when it came down in buckets (and these buckets were like the size of 5 tonne skips - honest). I was only running at marathon/ultra pace, which was acceptable as my only objective today was to get to the finish line happy and comfortable, fully prepared for next weekend.
I did it. I got to the finish with a huge beaming smile.
Yesterday I ran a comfortable 5k PB in a very respectable time of 19.06, today I conquered one of my little mind demons.

When a race goes wrong

Gosport Semi Marathon. A chance to test my fitness, push myself and further build my confidence. One of my racing targets for 2009.
Did not happen. I quit after five miles. If I am honest I quit before I even started.
I will not detail the reasons why I actually stopped, I know exactly why I stopped and I am neither proud nor ashamed of my reasons. They were my reasons.
The aftermath of making such a decision can be pretty intense and debilitating. I remember all too well how public opinion was divided when Paula stepped off the course at the Olympic marathon. How quickly people that did not want to understand turned against her. It was nothing short of shameful.
So on that note, I will not dwell on this race and the experience I endured. I will move on and do someting about it to make sure that it never happens again.
Every problem has at least two solutions......

Best Diet Ever - Fall in Love!!

It's official.... Fall in love and the weight drops off!

Is it due to all those delightful chemicals floating around the brain, or is it just that comfort eating is no longer required?

Is it because "love" provides a fuel like no other? A fuel that negates the need for chocolate.... the excitement, the energy, the feelings that come with all that is associated with "love" - sharing dreams, planning dreams, achieving dreams... Mind feeding off body, body feeding off mind...

What ever the reason, I am noticing a significant change in body size and shape, in a very positive way. Starting to feel confident about my little personal target to wear my Scotland Team hot pants in a race before the end of the season....

I am also feeling more confident in my running - very noticeable in a tough training session this evening, one of those ones when you really fear for the loss of your lunch! Post run check of my Garmin seems to prove that running improvements are definitely happening.

Have no fear though, I have no intention of losing any more weight, just a wee tone up here and there, a wee boost of confidence and then bingo, those hot pants can finally get their maiden voyage. But I am targeting some pretty major running improvements....

P.S. It does not need to be a person that you fall in love with. Fall in love with life! Or even just a thought or an act, or maybe even just a dream.

Preparation. Stress relievers before the stress....

No race tomorrow. Got a wee cold and feeling poorly, so going to have a "pamper day" instead to make sure that I recover well and body remains strong. Tried a hill session today and could feel "it" in my chest, and every time I sneeze or cough my hip is extemely painful.
And so, instead of racing I am going to make the most of my 6 month membership to the health and fitness club in Eastleigh. Funny how things sometimes work out. I spontaneoulsy enter a 5k race, and win membership to a Health Club located only minutes from my new place of work. I had not even started working there when I won this prize. It is a place that I can visit regularly on my way home from a potentially stressful job. I am equipped with stress relievers even before I feel the stress!
I will have a casual run with the dogs and then go try out the jacuzzi, spa, steam room et al. Never before experienced any of them and am quite excited about the prospect! My change of plan for tomorrow will also give me a chance to do further work on THE PLAN. I have hand written notes in half one dozen books all relating to THE PLAN, now need to start pulling together the business plan around it...

Commonwealth Post Mortem

Even before I finished the race I was performing a post portem within my mind. Where/ why did it go wrong.
There is a simple answer. Me - my pig headedness, stubborness and lack of money.
The first thing that the medic told me post race in the first aid tent after I collapsed was that I was wearing the wrong ankle support for my condition. She believed that it was causing me more problems that it was solving. Pushing the joint out of alignment and forcing it to try and preserve my already vulnerable ankle by collapsing.
Had I sought physio treatment for ankle and hip this would probably have been highlighted and I would have been advised to try other types of support. Much like the one I have had my eye on for several weeks but could not afford to buy, and did not want to take a risk do close to THE race.
A new era for Sandra is just about to begin.

World Championship Training: Night Time Running

It has been said to me on several occasions that I am very lucky to have what I have, and be able to do what I do.  I personally do not believe in "luck" per se.  Yes, I am fortunate to have been given the opportunities, (which I have taken) to experience some of the events that I have.

I want to share one such opportunity, one of these experiences with you, allow you to decide whether I am lucky or something else..

 

DRRRRRIIIIIIING!!  It is 12:35 am; my alarm has rudely awakened me after less than two hours sleep.  I leap out of bed and pull on my running clothes that were strategically placed by my bed only hours before.  As I change from pyjamas to running clothes, I realize that I must have been very restless in my sleep as my bedclothes are damp from my sweat.

I do not even stop for coffee, just pick up my running belt with Freddo frog and gel bar inside, take an pre made up special drinks bottle from the fridge and head out the door, strapping a head torch to my midriff as I exit.

Yes, at this ridiculous time of night I am going running - two hours is the plan. 

I am doing this because my 100k race will be run over night and I have never done that before.

This morning I do not take the dogs with me, I am running alone.  Running into the dark of the night.

It has just started raining, light drops cold and sharp upon my skin.  I consider turning back to get my waterproof jacket, but decide against it and push on, hopefully it will only be a cooling shower…

As I run through the village, I am aware that everything feels different, the sounds and smells feel strange to me.  There are few cars around, no people, no birds singing - no signs of life apart from the breath escaping from my mouth.

I feel my heart rate quicken, adrenalin pumping through my veins and I realize that I am scared.  There could be strange people around, drunken louts or worse.  I am out with my comfort zone and miss the dogs.

For 25 minutes I run on heightened alert, constantly planning escape routes if any situation should arise.  At 24 minutes and 32 seconds, I make my escape from fear.  I turn of the road and into the security of the countryside.  In my mind I have reached a safe zone.  My heart rate lessens and I start to relax. 

The rain has intensified now and I begin to realize that it might remain for the rest of my run.  I hear a rumble in the distance that sounds like very heavy traffic, and yet it does not…  Then suddenly all before me lights up in a flash of what appears to be bright blue light.   I am in the middle of a thunderstorm!

I hesitate, unsure whether to be enthralled or petrified.  It is exciting, but I feel that I should be wary, worry about the potential threat to my safety.

The rain is heavy now, soaking all my clothes and dripping down my face.  My gloves can only absorb so much and I know that before long they will be saturated and my hands cold.

I am unsure of the path that I am now running on, it seems flatter than when I normally run in daylight, flatter and wider and I feel very close to the pigs (who were all safely in their sleeping quarters, little snorty noises to be heard every now and again.

I start feeling uncomfortable, I do not feel familiar with this track.  I continue for a while longer, becoming more hesitant with each stride.  I think I have taken a wrong turn, I do not know when but I now know that I am not heading in the correct direction.  I turn around, heading back where I came from.  This error unsettles me, as I am completely unaware of when it happened.  Logic tells me that I cannot actually get lost (just always head for the lights of the Factory that I see in the distance) but the fear of the unknown is strong.  I reach the main track and instantly know what happened.  I over ran my exit by one metre.  I ran on the opposite side of the fence and was actually running in the piggies playground.  The electric fence is closed over during the day, this evening it was open.  For about ¼ mile I was actually running parallel to the track I should have been on!!

Even though I now know without doubt that I am on the correct track, I still feel uncomfortable for a few minutes, every shadow, tree and ridge in the track appearing alien to me, not part of my in built mind map of the area.

The rain is relentless now, intensity increasing as time progresses.

I start thinking of my bed, the place that I leapt from just one hour ago.  I want to be back there, snuggled under the duvet.  Warm and cozy, sweet dreams filling my mind.  It will not be, I am on a mission and my mission does not end for another one hour.

I am now running very close to a place where I once had a very happy memory of what was and remains to this day, the most amazing feeling that I have ever experienced.  The happy memory of this place was ultimately overridden by sad memories, extreme sadness, betrayal and loss.  But even then, I still remember what it feels like to have that amazing feeling; it is forever ingrained in my mind.  For a few moments I relive the sadness, mourn that past life, and that in turn takes my mind back to the race of my life, the only race that I have ever run in the dark.  In the darkness of my mind and also the darkness of the night - I remember it well.  That race gave me so much; I found something in me that I did not think possible, found something that I now understand and have allowed to grow. 

I have no regrets.

In the end he did not share my dream, did not want to share me.  That was what he wanted, his choice, we all make choices and grow from them.  They shape us into what we become.  I became stronger, more determined to succeed.  One day to have that feeling again and it to remain with me forever.

Now is not the time for negative reflection, I have done all that, made the decision to move on and learn from the experience.  Now is the time to persevere in what has become a major thunderstorm!

I cannot feel my fingers; they have gone numb with the cold.  My feet are squelching within my shoes as I run through roads and tracks that have become rivers.  Splash in and out, with not many outs.

I want my bed, I want warmth dryness and I want sleep. I want to wear my GBR warm up suit – so comfortable and cozy.  I want these things, but at the same time I am glad to be where I am, enjoying what I am doing.  How many people can do this, how many could actually be determined and focused to such an extent that they would take this sort of thing in their stride like water of a duck’s back…

There is another blinding flash of light and I catch sight of an object moving rapidly towards me along the ground and at speed.  It takes me a split second to realize that it is a young rabbit heading straight towards my feet.  Whether blinded by my torchlight or the lightening strike I do not know, but this poor rabbit appeared very disorientated.  I moved slightly to the right, but even then I could not avoid contact with this little fellow.  I do not think that he was hurt, I am even unsure if he was aware of the close danger, he hurtled away into the dark and hopefully the safety of his burrow.

The rest of my run is uneventful, just me foundering along in the dark river, all of my body numb with cold.  I do no fear that I will not making it home, I know that I will.

With one mile to go my ankle suddenly starts aching, there was no specific reason, no trip nor fall, but the ache was intense reminding me of my vulnerability.  Reminding me that my dream could still be take from me prematurely.

As I turn the corner to home I think of the question “am I lucky”?  My answer for tonight is “this is not luck, this is one of the reasons why I am a Champion”!

Home at last, (I have run for 2 hours and one minute) it takes me several minutes to open the door, I cannot turn the key within the locked door - my hands are so cold.  They are so numb that they cannot function properly.  Just as I ready myself to waken my housemate, I manage to twist my hand in such a way that the key turns and door opens into a warm and dry world.

I go to bed fully clothed in my GBR warm up suit – it takes me several hours to warm up!  My body has been completely chilled to the bone.

I fall asleep with pleasant contentment of mission accomplished.  I will awaken in several hours and go for a one-hour run with the dogs.  Why?  Because I can…..

 

When A Dream Becomes a Reality

Two weeks ago to this very day, I achieved a life time's dream.  I regained my Scottish National 100k title in a comfortable personal best time that has earned me qualification to represent Great Britain at the World 100k Championships in Belgium.  

The facts are there, medals in my hand and yet I still do not feel the achievement in my body.  I say the words, hear the words and yet do not seem ready to accept what I have done, I do not feel the emotion that I know I will.  It almost feels like I am in denial - I thought it was only bad things that sent me into denial.  This dream is most definitely a good thing!  Five years ago I was told that I would never run again because of my ankle injury, five years later I am still running and destined to compete with the world's best endurance athletes.  And I have earned the right to be there.

THE RACE

I started the race with no big expectations.  I wanted to finish, and wanted to finish sub nine hours.  The memory of my last 100k fresh in my mind.  Memories of the emotional pain that I struggled with during the race, and memories of my journey as a result of the experience.  Although the past few weeks have been physically exhausting (new job, 4 hours daily commute), mentally I am stronger than I have even been.  I believe in me fully now.  Believe that I can achieve all that I say I will.  This belief is a powerful force.  As physical energy seeps from my body it waits in the wings and then surges forward gives me extra charge...

I was a little concerned about how my mind would cope with the race course, which was fifty laps up and down the sea front.  Not an exciting course, completely flat, but exposed and if there were any substantial sea "breezes" they would take their toll on body and mind.  There was also the inevitability of constantly being overtaken by all the faster runners!  

I started the race very conservatively, almost felt like jogging as I pottered along all on my own near the back and was soon being overtaken by all the other Scottish ladies.  I was keeping an eye on the clock and knew roughly what my lap times were, and so I was surprised by what others were doing in the race - I actually kept thinking that I had my timings wrong and must be running slower than I thought.  It worried me a little, but I felt confident and decided that I was going to run my own race and save myself for the later stages when pain normally kicks in.  I wanted to try and run as equal splits as possible, and wanted my last mile to be sub seven minute mile pace.

I started eating inside the first hour - good old Freddo the chocolate Frog was the first to fuel me, followed by some gels, mints, bananas and even some baby food.  Later in the race I had flapjack and mini rolls.  I had an intense craving for carrot cake but there was none - must remember for my next race.  The baby food was amazing (strawberry rice in a sachet that I could squeeze easily) and I felt the energy from it very quickly. P.R.N. tried eating it one afternoon this week - yeauch, only tastes nice when you really need it as fuel, not one to eat for pleasure!

When running for nine hours (0k 8.5 hours this time), I have the opportunity to  think a lot without any interruptions.  No phones, no email, no one demanding that you answer a question or solve a problem.  No dogs that need walked or fed, dishes that need washing....  It is an amazing free time that does not come round very often.

People ask me regularly what I think of when I am running.  I have shared many of my thoughts through this website.  During this race I thought of me, myself and I.  Where I have been and where I am going...

I felt extremely comfortable until just before half way, and then disaster.  Due to the tight turns on the course my ankle started objecting, pain ensued and I started limping heavily.  I started fearing the worst, those words from the doctor of five years ago fresh in my mind.  Was it now time to plan my retirement from running?  Stop before I have gotten properly started on my racing career?  I could feel gut wrenching sadness deep in the pit of my stomach as I considered pulling out of the race.  To pull out now would be detrimental to my confidence and I did not want to consider the implications of that.  I stopped at the feeding station and put heavy strapping on my ankle in the hope that it would be enough.  I also took Ibubrofen, which I have never taken during a race before (I do not like taking any medication under "normal" circumstances), but I had to try anything just to keep running.

The next few laps were extremely tough, physically and mentally.  I ran very wide on all the turns to protect my ankle, almost hopping at one point to ensure no unnecessary pressure was placed on the "injury".  The pain did settle and I knew that I would be able to continue.

I soon started picking up the pace again, gaining on the people that had lapped me in the first half.  As the laps started counting down, (in my world they go up in the first half, down in the second) I began lapping people and was soon in front of all the Scottish ladies.  I do have to confess at this point I did get a little buzz.  The pull of regaining my Scottish National title was strong.  I wanted it back, wanted to go into the Commonwealth Championship as the Champion of my Country.  This pull gave me energy, combined with my belief in me and my dreams strong in my mind I felt good.  I was a little concerned that I felt too good, was the crash just about to come....?  Pride before the fall...

Nine laps to go, then eight, seven, six, five - whoa hold on, I only had five left and yet the lap recorders told me I had six to go!  I screeched to a halt and refused to continue until it was resolved....  Ok, that bit didn't really happen but the vision is quite entertaining!

I did question the count, but couldn't really argue and just assumed that I had gotten confused at some point.  I did want to stop, but knew that the end was far too close for that.  And I was going to earn those two free pints of Guiness!

I had known for some time (by my calculations) that I was on schedule for 8.5 ish hours, even if I had one more lap than I thought it would still earn me a convincing personal best time.  My biggest concern at this point was that Izzy (second Scottish female) appeared to be gaining on me and I didn't have my one lap ahead advantage anymore.  I have Izzy to thank for my time as she really did push me on, I was so determined not to lose my crown and kept digging every time I saw her on the course.  I am so pleased that she achieved such an amazing personal best (knocking off about 50 minutes I think) and has achieved the qualification time for the Commonwealth Championships - well done Izzy!

With two laps to go, everyone suddenly appeared very interested in my time. If I could pick up the pace I would be very close to 8:40, which was GBR qualification time for the World Championships.  I had been "pain managing"my entire body for the last two hours and picking up the pace did not seem a possibility, but somehow I did it and managed to finish in 8 hours and 38 minutes.  I was so time conscious that I did not even have time to hold the flag properly as I crossed the finish line, I just grabbed it and ran home!

I had finished another 100k, regained my Scottish title, a personal best time and achieved the qualification time to represent Great Britain.

At the prize giving, the GBR team manager said some lovely words about my run and my excellent time of 8:28.  I got really embarrassed and flustered as I tried to explain that it was actually 8:38 when I finished.

I then turned to someone else to ask them to remedy this error, to be told "oh yeah, you ran an extra lap - once we checked your lap times it was obvious!"

I have to say, I was not cross in any way.  Nice to know that I can actually count during a race though!

The final icing on the cake was on Sunday morning when I was told that I had been selected to represent Great Britain in the team event of the World Championships in Belgium in June 2009.  My first GBR vest and the realisation of a dream held ever since I knew who Seb Coe was!

At the start of this post I said that I had not yet felt my achievement.  I feel it now.  Tears are rolling down my face as I read the words and relive the race.  Tears flow as I remember all my dreams as a child, hours of inspiration watching Coe, Ovett and Cram and the races they ran.  Sebastian Coe my first ever hero, idolised as a child and my reason for running 800 metres.  Little did I know that I would have to run 125 of them in succession to earn my vest!

  

When Does Alone Become Lonely

I awoke this morning, feeling very much alone, yet there was someone else in the house with me.

I went running into the middle of the Wiltshire countryside, darkness still in the sky, no-one near me for miles, and yet I did not feel alone.  Did not feel lonely.

How does that work?

I think of all the times when I feel alone, even though there are people all around me, when I am in the centre of London for example, one of the busiest places in the world.  I can stand there are feel so sad and lonely that I want to cry.  And yet there are other times when I feel completely alive, energized by all the people that are surrounding me.  Feeding off the buzz of their energy.

I believe that the times I feel truly lonely are the times that I want to share myself, share my life and feel I am not.  It has been several years since I last truly shared my life with another.  Most of the time I can accept that.  I am a fiercely independent person and I can provide, or find a way to provide for most of my needs.  But there are times when I crave more.  Times when I want to share my life and me with others.  I can do this with friends, and even work colleagues to a certain extent, but they will never fully share my life.

Take this morning for example.  I tend to wake a little negatively minded in the morning, I think the mind demons awaken at night and it takes a while for them to fall asleep, to be replaced by the shining gods of the mind.  There are exceptions to this.  When I awake in another person's arms the phrase "contentment" springs to mind.  I do not believe it possible to feel contentment and loneliness at the same time.

Continuing on with this morning's example, how did I get from feeling lonely and not being alone, to being alone but certainly not lonely?

I think that when the mind demons take over they steal a little part of me.  I lose me when they are in power.  It does not take long for me to make them go sleep - I do not think that they like exercise so they leave me when I run!  They quietly make swift their exit and those shining gods come alive.  I can never be lonely when these shining gods are around.  They give me back myself and as long as I have that then I will never be lonely.

That is probably why I enjoy running and writing so much.  The two doth combine very well.  I am sharing myself as I write, it is almost like having a conversation with another person.  And it allows me to see structure within my thoughts.  Why do I think this, why do I think that?  By writing I can focus on the question that I am actually tryin.g to ask, and by focusing I can normally come up with a pretty good and strong opinion

Is Guilt the Most Negative Emotion?

I found my "new hope" this morning.  I feel alive, energized and enthusiastic about life.  Yes, I do also feel extremely tired, sleepy within my eyes, but fire is burning in me, energy pulsing through my veins.

I thought a lot about "guilt" this morning and the affect that it can have on my mind and actions.  I believe that guilt contributed to my sadness yesterday.  I know that I have acted a lot in my past based upon guilt - in a variety of situations.  And I also know that I can feel "guilty" about some of my actions, some of the things that I do on a day-to-day basis.  

I believe it to be wrong to use guilt as a driving force.  I feel that this belief is further confirmation that I must ensure I follow through on yesterday's plan and not resort back to a different train of thought, trail of actions.  Must not change my mind because I feel "guilty".

I have a tendency to feel guilty about a lot of things.  Abandoning my dogs being just one example, i.e. the long hours I am now working away from home, not there for them as pack leader.  I have always known that this negatively affects my little paranoid android that is Krofti.  He craves the security of leadership, harmony that it provides within the pack, even if he tries to pretend otherwise a lot of the time!

I remember my dream last night.  A dream that was created and built on guilt.

"Feeling bored and wanting to find me, the dogs managed to escape from the front door when it was accidently left open.  All came back soon with the exception of Kade.  He continued searching for me and found someone that looked and sounded a lot like me, but this person gave him more attention and more loving than I do.  He liked this for a while but then craved a return to the comfort of his pack. The lady would not let him go and held him captive, sending frequent ransom notes to me.  Kade did finally make good his escape and found his way home.  As I opened the door to let him in, Kroft dashed out chasing a squirrel in the part.  He did not make it across the road.  A lorry ran over him and left him crushed and crumpled in the road.  I ran over to him, scooping him up in my arms and ran all the way to the vet surgery.  It was Sunday and there was no one there willing to help me.  I tried pleading, rationalizing, offering great sums of money but no-one would help me.  I kept glancing down at his little crushed body feeling utterly helpless.  He had become so small again (Krofti has increased a lot in size since his little "operation").  With tears in my eyes and a breaking heart I did not know what to do next.  Anything to prolong my time with him..."

This morning I was saved from further despair; my alarm woke me with a start and broke the spell of the horrible dream.

So as you can imagine, the fact that Kroft willingly came running with me this morning had extra meaning for me.  Especially the fact that he was the one leading the hunt of the cockerel!

After reading the words that I have just written relating to this dream, I can easily interpret its hidden meaning.  Actually the meaning is not even hidden, it is blatantly obvious.

My conclusion can wait for another day...

The Difference Between Hope and Optimism

I went to bed last night feeling sad, but too tired to ask myself why.

I awoke this morning feeling sad. I went looking for answers....

I struggled to find myself within my mind last night. Struggled because sometimes I need a helping hand. Sometimes I cannot find what I need on my own.

I did ask someone for help last night. My request for help was met with silence. Absolute silence. It was a simple request, but one that meant a lot to me, was very significant to me. I interpret this silence to be a "no".

Upon receiving this answer, hope flew out the window and I finally realised the reality of the situation, and struggled to accept what I need to accept. This refusal of acceptance forced me down into a temporary little pit. I do not think that I ask a lot from people. I think I am very independent and self sufficient. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I need to address this.

Last night, after all my thoughts and words yesterday relating to "hope", I finally lost hope and this hurts.

There are times when hope has to be removed. When it is a fruitless mission to continue. Certainly when the effort to maintain it negatively affects another more serious situation, then one has to be prioritised over the other. I find that hard to accept. I feel like I am being forced to remove it. It is brutally pulled from me, by a negative force.

Or maybe, perhaps maybe I don't have to "lose" it, instead "replace" it with something else - "optimism". Optimism is a positive feeling, based more on a logical train of thought that there will be a positive outcome. It is less emotional than hope and does not provide the same energy or drive, does not provide inspiration - but it is still good!

Therefore I will turn this "lost hope" into 'optimism' based upon the reality of the situation, based upon facts and a logical process of thought.

I do not like when I lose a feeling, I feel as though I have failed. Feel as though I have lost a little part of the essence of what makes me, me.

I will grieve this loss for a short while, but only for a short moment in time. The hardest part from this point forward is that I know for this transformation to work, I need to switch off. The only way to switch off is to close the door. Close the door and lock it shut. No words or sights may pass through. I will not throw away the key, just hide it somewhere safe, one day maybe find it again.

And so, hope turns to optimism. No matter what I will not become a pessimist.

I struggled through the day, mixture of sadness and regrets. This burden held me back today. I will not allow that to be. I cannot wobble just now, it is too important in my evolutionary journey, my progression in life. Therefore my resolve must remain. I must close that door in the knowledge that it might be forever.

Tomorrow brings a new day. And with a new day, a new hope. I know that feeling will be there, bringing with it the person that I have come to like. I do not break promises, and I made a promise to myself not so very long ago. I will always find me again, no matter what it takes I will always be there for myself.

Until the time when someone else can be there for me, unconditionally there for me and I for them.

Finding Hope

What is the most important emotion to us as individuals?   Would every one of us respond to that question with the same answer?  Can you have one emotional feeling without another, do they have to be combined, shared, symbiotic relationship?

The one that I think energises me most is "hope".  Find hope in any situation and I will make it work.  I will fight, I will generate self-energy.  I will find a solution if it is a problem, or move forwards if it is dream.  Lose hope in a situation or lose hope on a dream and I give up.  

Think of a person who has lost their dog.  Perhaps wondered of in unfamiliar surroundings, intensely frightened by something.  Until told factually otherwise, the person never gives up hope of finding their dog.  It gets them out of bed in the morning, helps them focus on a new search, try a different approach, different strategy to find their missing dog.  

I lost a dog once, it took me two weeks, but I did find him again.  If I had given up hope I do not know if I would have found him again.  Perhaps I would not have been in that place when by mere chance he ran past.  Was it "mere chance"? (Let's leave that thought for another day....)  I might never have found him and would possibly have wondered what happened to him for the rest of my life... 

Humans beings are survivors.  Strongest of the species.  Resourceful, inventive and inspirational.  If you do not think you can find hope, you are wrong.  Try a new way and you will find it.  It is there all the time, sometimes hiding, sometimes sleeping.  Try the volcanic approach - a huge eruption, debris everywhere.  But then it is finally out there, no longer secretly contained within!!

I once had a problem that was very much my own.  I was engulfed by this problem.  But I never gave up hope.  For twenty years I awoke every morning with new hope that this would be the day that I would find the solution to that problem, find the strength to overcome.  Every morning the hope would be strong, but then fade towards evening as I knew I would not find the answer that day.  Hope would leave me, but it would return the next day.  Hope finally won when it was joined by belief.  Combine hope and belief and although not guaranteed, rapidly increases the probability of success!

Sometimes I never give up hope.  I cannot yet decide if that is good or bad.  Logic and rational thought tells me it is bad.  Gut feeling tells me that it is good.....?

Intertwining of Emotions

I can feel inspired, motivated and open minded in the morning.  I can also feel depressed, negative and close minded in the morning.  Do the two have to inter twine within the fabric of my mind?

It is my birthday morning and I am inspired.  I am motivated and driven, an exciting new day ahead.  Another year has passed and I have evolved further.  I remember this day exactly two years ago.  I remember the words of that song.  Remember my resolve and the determination that then followed.  I have succeeded, achieved more than I thought possible.  There is a long way to go yet, but I have a lifetime to get there.....

It is my birthday lunchtime and I feel very much alone and very lonely.  Standing in the centre of the city of London, surrounded by thousands of people.  I feel overwhelming sadness.  I should not feel this.  I have just started an amazing new job, have so many happy things and people in my life and yet I am here in this sad little place.  Alone.  I forget where I was this morning and stay where I am, for now.  I wish "the kiddies" were here...

It is my birthday evening.  I am happy.  I feel so alive, energized and free spirited.  I am connected to people and connected to life.  Energized by these connections, flowing through my veins, my heart beating loud and strong.  I am standing only 200 yards from my lonely place at lunchtime.  I smile at the very thought of "the kiddies" being here....

It is the end of my birthday, 30 minutes past midnight.  I like where I am.  I feel content.  I like my world.

Is Racing Exciting or Stressful?

If it is stressful, is it "positive stress"?

I woke at 4 am this morning with a racing heartbeat. I am unsure whether this is due to excitement or anxiety. I have a race today, a semi marathon that is part of my training plan. It is an important race as it will give me an indication of my true fitness.

I have negative emotions towards racing as it takes away so much of what running means to me. Takes away my freedom and the "carefree" experience. I will be surrounded by people, running at a different time than usual, eating differently, there will be no dogs and I will be racing the clock. My body will ache from the effort and I will want to stop, or at least slow down to the comfortable running pace that I know will keep me going for hours. Then there are the "after effects", people will ask me how I did and I will want to tell them that I did well, but normally I do not feel that I have run well. I am rarely genuinely happy with my performance. And yet I know that when I am happy with my performance it gives me a huge confidence boost.

I want to do some work around my negative thoughts on racing, try some psychology techniques. I want to be able to accept all race performances, use them as learning experiences in a positive way. I feel this is an important element that I need help on as my attitude is restricting me - I will avoid races due to both the before and after effects.

I could not return to sleep this morning, my heart kept pounding heavily, mind kept thinking. I also start my new job tomorrow, which I am extremely excited about and yet a little nervous, due to the unknown...

This period in the morning, after sleeping, dreams and before the next day begins, is the best time to have a cuddle. The most relaxing cuddle of the day, so warm and reassuring. Feel so content wrapped in another persons arms, share their warmth and energy - switch off from the unspecific thoughts running through the mind. Drifting along in the spell of contentment before moving into the reality of present and every day life. It saddens me to think how I can almost disregard some of the things that are truly important to me, how easily I can sometimes break that spell. Pulled out by a "must do this" or "must do that" attitude. Do I really have to "do this & that".....

I do feel extremely positive this morning, and also energetic. Based upon those feelings, I believe that the reason for my racing heart is excitement. If it is anxiety, then the good things that are happening in my life are outweighing the negatives, ensuring that positivity reigns!

Going back to the original question relating to racing being exciting or stressful, I believe it to be both. The little glimmer of possibly achieving a personal best is exciting. The thought of a new experience (if it is a race I have never done), meeting old friends and possible new friends is also exciting. Taking today's race for example, with two miles to go I over took a young man who had just about given up having started too quickly. I touched his shoulder, giving him a little push and said some encouraging words to him. It was just the boost that he needed. At the end of the race he went on a mission to find me and thank me for helping him find that energy to finish. What a hugely positive experience for us both!

But there is also the stress of getting to the start on time, fully prepared and with expectations to be met. Knowing what pace I need to run at, when I should take food or water. Worry that I might get "runners tummy" at some point, maybe I wont be able to finish the race for some reason. And today there was the extreme worry of my ankle. I am enduring a lot of pain from it just now, I do not know if it is temporary or if it is the downwards slope to my early retirement. I am not yet prepared for this eventuality. I have so much more running to do. I was told five years ago that I would never run again - I have turned this around and strengthened my ankle as a result, but the injury still exists and at the moment the pain is very real. I am on "borrowed" time I know, but I want to extend that for as long as humanly possible.... It saddens me deeply to think that my running dream might one day be brutally taken away from me, all because of a mistake that was not mine.

Tears in my eyes at this moment as I write these words, I am not going to let this go yet. People sometimes call me extremely tenacious, you ain't seen nothing yet!!

I learned a lot from today's racing experience, which I will write about in my training diary. It did confirm my opinion that racing is both exciting and stressful in a positive way. And yes, I was happy with today's performance!

My Answers To The "True Love" Question

When pondering my "what is true love" scenario the other day, I forgot to ask myself two very important questions. Can you measure true love? Can you quantify true love? The answer to those questions is quite categorically NO. You can only FEEL it. I believe that is why many people would struggle to answer my original question as not everyone has a symbiotic relationship with their own feelings and emotions.

And so, if I now ask myself "have you ever felt true love", then my 100% confident answer is YES. For five months I knew what true love was. When a look or a touch says more than words alone. When words shared can bring joy and light into a dark room. When dreams are shared and inspiration free flows. When problems are not problems, just things to do. When smiles are passed from one happy face to one sad face. When you are joined as one nothing else matters for those moments in time apart from sharing each other. When you do not question your future together, you just know that it will be.

And so, I have now answered my own question.

The follow up questions are now: "if you do find true love, how can you lose it"; "can you ever find true love again"; "if you find true love with one person, can you find it with another person"; "can it only be true love if both people feel it"? I already have very strong opinions on all of those questions.....

What Do Our Hobbies Mean?

What do our hobbies mean to us? Why/ how do we choose our hobbies? Do we choose them or do they find us? Do we choose them to provide something that is missing in our lives, to provide a release from other realities within our worlds? Or are there other reasons why the gardener spend hours in the garden, the painter paints the world from his perspective, the DIY'er working on his house.... And when do our hobbies become more than just hobbies and evolve into something more engulfing? Is that good, or is that a sign of an obsessive, possibly addictive personality?

I know I can answer these questions with very strong opinions....

I did not choose running, it found me. I have had self esteem/ confidence issues about my body, mind and my actions for as long as I can remember. Constantly uncomfortable with my body, and doubtful of my thoughts and ideas. Not wanting to let people see the real me in case they did not like me. Always craving for people to like me, trying to help others to mask the reality of my own life and what I could be achieving on a day to day basis. One minute my mind would say "speak those words to that person, share your opinion" or "yes do that action, make it happen". Almost instantly my little mind demon would come rushing in saying "no! don't do it, you will fail, you are wrong it will not work". This mind demon is a very forceful character and normally won. I held back for fear of failure. Or put in another context, I held back for fear of the affect that any feedback might have on me. I wont transgress into NLP theorising here, that is for another day, today it is about why my hobby gave me ME.

And so, running found me. It allowed me to eat without fear of getting fat, it gave me energy to feed my body and mind, it helped remove negative energy i.e. stress and worry and it gave me a focus and determination to just "do". It also gave me amazing inspiration for my dreams, my hopes and plans for my future.

I am aware that I write now in the past tense, "it gave me this and gave me that" etc. that is because for many years it was my coping mechanism and I was reliant upon it. If I did not run I went into extremely dark and scary places within my mind. Places where the mind demons ruthlessly ruled, and cold darkness was all around me. Quite simply I needed running to give me life. This was more than just a hobby...

Moving forwards to the present, I no longer need to run. Take today for example, my training plan says REST, no running and that is what I am going to do. After an emotional and stressful week previously I would be panicking about the prospect of not running, but not any more. My mind will remain sunny today I will make sure it does!! P.S. If you want to know more about how I managed to turn things around you will have to read my book.....

Back in the present, my hobby still remains "more than just a hobby", but for very positive reasons. I am very good at what I do, self motivating, naturally talented, self coached (until recently) and very in tune with my body from an athlete's perspective. As a result I have run for my country, become a national champion, finished runner up twice in succession in the UK Athletics championship, and had the third fastest time for 100k in 2008 (UK only).

I am now struggling with the next step in my running. I have much more to give, can improve considerably and can go onto greater things. My hobby needs to move onto another level and I am not sure if I am quite ready for that yet. There are many implications if I do, one of the biggest being that to move forward with this hobby would bring pressure and stress as I constantly strive to improve, race myself, the clock and others. Change my eating habits, affect my social activities, and impact my relationships. Would aspects of these changes not contradict the objective of having a hobby? I also need to ask for help - something that I find very hard to do!

Perhaps I will need to find another "new" hobby.....

What is True Love?

Today I asked myself what do I believe to be true love.

I asked myself this because I know what "love" is, it is easy to love. Love thy mother, father, sisters, children, even friends - that is what I define as unconditional love. The ability to love is part of us as human beings. But what is "true love"?

Is true love a romantic ideal that we fantasise about but is not achievable? Do you have to find true love to know that he/ she is "the one"?

Why does true love have to be conditional? Is it conditional? Dependant on meeting our "needs"?

If you strive to find true love will you ever find contentment. Is contentment important?

Is it when you find happiness with another person and commit to sharing a life with them?

Is it when you accept another person for exactly who they are? Can you accept another person if you cannot accept your self?

Should true love be hard work? How deep does one go to find true love?

Do people sacrifice their quest for true love and accept an amicable and easy life?

Is it deemed overly ambitious to seek true love at the expense of happiness and sharing a life and future with someone?

Can you be truly happy if you do not have true love? Is it that important?

If you find true love and loose it can you find it again? Was it not true love if you lost it?

In true love can people make mistakes, errors of judgement and be forgiven - or is that what happens in committed relationships?

So many questions, yet I cannot confidently answer any? Is that because I do not understand true love? How can I answer my questions? Do I need others to provide their thoughts in order for me to confidently answer mine?

Or will I just know when I find it...

New Beginings

My first day of self blogging!! Why today of all days? Because I am no longer scared. I was unsure how this "blogging thingermigiggery" works and so held off, hoping someone would write me a procedure explaining it - must be my Quality Management background....

I am very sad as I write. I lost something close and dear to me this day. In the quest for "the perfect relationship" we dwelled too much on our fears to the detriment of our future. We have separate futures now, but our journey will remain in my thoughts as a reminder of how amazing a couple can be when you use the positives to outweigh the negatives.

I have time now to concentrate on me. Pay special attention to my training and focus on my new job which I start on Monday. Training and working in London is going to be an amazing experience. I will get to know a very special city from the inside out, and make new friendships and connections.

I will experiment over the coming weeks with this blog and ultimately launch my Website SandraBowers.co.uk. I have been planning this one for a while...