I thought a lot about "guilt" this morning and the affect that it can have on my mind and actions. I believe that guilt contributed to my sadness yesterday. I know that I have acted a lot in my past based upon guilt - in a variety of situations. And I also know that I can feel "guilty" about some of my actions, some of the things that I do on a day-to-day basis.
I believe it to be wrong to use guilt as a driving force. I feel that this belief is further confirmation that I must ensure I follow through on yesterday's plan and not resort back to a different train of thought, trail of actions. Must not change my mind because I feel "guilty".
I have a tendency to feel guilty about a lot of things. Abandoning my dogs being just one example, i.e. the long hours I am now working away from home, not there for them as pack leader. I have always known that this negatively affects my little paranoid android that is Krofti. He craves the security of leadership, harmony that it provides within the pack, even if he tries to pretend otherwise a lot of the time!
I remember my dream last night. A dream that was created and built on guilt.
"Feeling bored and wanting to find me, the dogs managed to escape from the front door when it was accidently left open. All came back soon with the exception of Kade. He continued searching for me and found someone that looked and sounded a lot like me, but this person gave him more attention and more loving than I do. He liked this for a while but then craved a return to the comfort of his pack. The lady would not let him go and held him captive, sending frequent ransom notes to me. Kade did finally make good his escape and found his way home. As I opened the door to let him in, Kroft dashed out chasing a squirrel in the part. He did not make it across the road. A lorry ran over him and left him crushed and crumpled in the road. I ran over to him, scooping him up in my arms and ran all the way to the vet surgery. It was Sunday and there was no one there willing to help me. I tried pleading, rationalizing, offering great sums of money but no-one would help me. I kept glancing down at his little crushed body feeling utterly helpless. He had become so small again (Krofti has increased a lot in size since his little "operation"). With tears in my eyes and a breaking heart I did not know what to do next. Anything to prolong my time with him..."
This morning I was saved from further despair; my alarm woke me with a start and broke the spell of the horrible dream.
So as you can imagine, the fact that Kroft willingly came running with me this morning had extra meaning for me. Especially the fact that he was the one leading the hunt of the cockerel!
After reading the words that I have just written relating to this dream, I can easily interpret its hidden meaning. Actually the meaning is not even hidden, it is blatantly obvious.
My conclusion can wait for another day...
