When Does Alone Become Lonely

I awoke this morning, feeling very much alone, yet there was someone else in the house with me.

I went running into the middle of the Wiltshire countryside, darkness still in the sky, no-one near me for miles, and yet I did not feel alone.  Did not feel lonely.

How does that work?

I think of all the times when I feel alone, even though there are people all around me, when I am in the centre of London for example, one of the busiest places in the world.  I can stand there are feel so sad and lonely that I want to cry.  And yet there are other times when I feel completely alive, energized by all the people that are surrounding me.  Feeding off the buzz of their energy.

I believe that the times I feel truly lonely are the times that I want to share myself, share my life and feel I am not.  It has been several years since I last truly shared my life with another.  Most of the time I can accept that.  I am a fiercely independent person and I can provide, or find a way to provide for most of my needs.  But there are times when I crave more.  Times when I want to share my life and me with others.  I can do this with friends, and even work colleagues to a certain extent, but they will never fully share my life.

Take this morning for example.  I tend to wake a little negatively minded in the morning, I think the mind demons awaken at night and it takes a while for them to fall asleep, to be replaced by the shining gods of the mind.  There are exceptions to this.  When I awake in another person's arms the phrase "contentment" springs to mind.  I do not believe it possible to feel contentment and loneliness at the same time.

Continuing on with this morning's example, how did I get from feeling lonely and not being alone, to being alone but certainly not lonely?

I think that when the mind demons take over they steal a little part of me.  I lose me when they are in power.  It does not take long for me to make them go sleep - I do not think that they like exercise so they leave me when I run!  They quietly make swift their exit and those shining gods come alive.  I can never be lonely when these shining gods are around.  They give me back myself and as long as I have that then I will never be lonely.

That is probably why I enjoy running and writing so much.  The two doth combine very well.  I am sharing myself as I write, it is almost like having a conversation with another person.  And it allows me to see structure within my thoughts.  Why do I think this, why do I think that?  By writing I can focus on the question that I am actually tryin.g to ask, and by focusing I can normally come up with a pretty good and strong opinion

Training: Day 15

Plan: 75 mins to include 45 mins at marathon pace

Reality: 30 mins easy with four dogs, 45 mins @ perceived MP, followed by 1o mins easy.  PM - 10 mins with dogs, 25 mins easy up Figsbury Hill.

Significant events: Long time since Kai has been up for a morning and evening run.  Very much aware that I am not suffering the stiffness in my back now that I have changed the back pack.

Comments: Didn't have my Garmin, but I think my perceived effort was probably a little slower than hoped.  Not going to worry about it.  "Funny" day resulted in me feeling the need to run in the evening, against my training plan.  Sometimes I have to give in to my "wobbles"!  Checked out the bruises on my knees and legs today - don't think I will be wearing shorts on Saturday!

Is Guilt the Most Negative Emotion?

I found my "new hope" this morning.  I feel alive, energized and enthusiastic about life.  Yes, I do also feel extremely tired, sleepy within my eyes, but fire is burning in me, energy pulsing through my veins.

I thought a lot about "guilt" this morning and the affect that it can have on my mind and actions.  I believe that guilt contributed to my sadness yesterday.  I know that I have acted a lot in my past based upon guilt - in a variety of situations.  And I also know that I can feel "guilty" about some of my actions, some of the things that I do on a day-to-day basis.  

I believe it to be wrong to use guilt as a driving force.  I feel that this belief is further confirmation that I must ensure I follow through on yesterday's plan and not resort back to a different train of thought, trail of actions.  Must not change my mind because I feel "guilty".

I have a tendency to feel guilty about a lot of things.  Abandoning my dogs being just one example, i.e. the long hours I am now working away from home, not there for them as pack leader.  I have always known that this negatively affects my little paranoid android that is Krofti.  He craves the security of leadership, harmony that it provides within the pack, even if he tries to pretend otherwise a lot of the time!

I remember my dream last night.  A dream that was created and built on guilt.

"Feeling bored and wanting to find me, the dogs managed to escape from the front door when it was accidently left open.  All came back soon with the exception of Kade.  He continued searching for me and found someone that looked and sounded a lot like me, but this person gave him more attention and more loving than I do.  He liked this for a while but then craved a return to the comfort of his pack. The lady would not let him go and held him captive, sending frequent ransom notes to me.  Kade did finally make good his escape and found his way home.  As I opened the door to let him in, Kroft dashed out chasing a squirrel in the part.  He did not make it across the road.  A lorry ran over him and left him crushed and crumpled in the road.  I ran over to him, scooping him up in my arms and ran all the way to the vet surgery.  It was Sunday and there was no one there willing to help me.  I tried pleading, rationalizing, offering great sums of money but no-one would help me.  I kept glancing down at his little crushed body feeling utterly helpless.  He had become so small again (Krofti has increased a lot in size since his little "operation").  With tears in my eyes and a breaking heart I did not know what to do next.  Anything to prolong my time with him..."

This morning I was saved from further despair; my alarm woke me with a start and broke the spell of the horrible dream.

So as you can imagine, the fact that Kroft willingly came running with me this morning had extra meaning for me.  Especially the fact that he was the one leading the hunt of the cockerel!

After reading the words that I have just written relating to this dream, I can easily interpret its hidden meaning.  Actually the meaning is not even hidden, it is blatantly obvious.

My conclusion can wait for another day...

Training: Day 13

Plan: AM: 45 mins RR.  PM - 45 mins RR.

Reality: 70 mins with three dogs @ 5 am. 30 mins around London @ 12:30 pm.

Significant events: 3 dogs!! Yipee, Krofti wanted to come this morning.  Extremely significant after last night's dream!

Comments: Delighted that Kroft came, unfortunately he was in complete "doddle" mode and so I was pulled from behind by him on the left and dragged forwards by Kez on the right!  Very sore shin - upon investigation I discovered that I have a huge bruise, souvenir from Sunday's tumble.  Somewhat relieved as it felt more like a muscle sprain at one point.

Met an abandoned cockerel this morning.  Poor little guy was just wondering aimlessly down the road.  I was dragged for about 400 metres by my "wolf killing machines" in full on hunt mode!  Just as I thought that in order to preserve my own life I was going to have to allow the cockerel to be sacrificed, he managed to find a hole in the hedge and squeeze through to safety.  Whewww.

Lunchtime run included my first visit to the MAC store on Regent Street and then a scenic trip through Horse Guard's Parade - wanted to share my lunchtime carrots with the horses!

The Difference Between Hope and Optimism

I went to bed last night feeling sad, but too tired to ask myself why.

I awoke this morning feeling sad. I went looking for answers....

I struggled to find myself within my mind last night. Struggled because sometimes I need a helping hand. Sometimes I cannot find what I need on my own.

I did ask someone for help last night. My request for help was met with silence. Absolute silence. It was a simple request, but one that meant a lot to me, was very significant to me. I interpret this silence to be a "no".

Upon receiving this answer, hope flew out the window and I finally realised the reality of the situation, and struggled to accept what I need to accept. This refusal of acceptance forced me down into a temporary little pit. I do not think that I ask a lot from people. I think I am very independent and self sufficient. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I need to address this.

Last night, after all my thoughts and words yesterday relating to "hope", I finally lost hope and this hurts.

There are times when hope has to be removed. When it is a fruitless mission to continue. Certainly when the effort to maintain it negatively affects another more serious situation, then one has to be prioritised over the other. I find that hard to accept. I feel like I am being forced to remove it. It is brutally pulled from me, by a negative force.

Or maybe, perhaps maybe I don't have to "lose" it, instead "replace" it with something else - "optimism". Optimism is a positive feeling, based more on a logical train of thought that there will be a positive outcome. It is less emotional than hope and does not provide the same energy or drive, does not provide inspiration - but it is still good!

Therefore I will turn this "lost hope" into 'optimism' based upon the reality of the situation, based upon facts and a logical process of thought.

I do not like when I lose a feeling, I feel as though I have failed. Feel as though I have lost a little part of the essence of what makes me, me.

I will grieve this loss for a short while, but only for a short moment in time. The hardest part from this point forward is that I know for this transformation to work, I need to switch off. The only way to switch off is to close the door. Close the door and lock it shut. No words or sights may pass through. I will not throw away the key, just hide it somewhere safe, one day maybe find it again.

And so, hope turns to optimism. No matter what I will not become a pessimist.

I struggled through the day, mixture of sadness and regrets. This burden held me back today. I will not allow that to be. I cannot wobble just now, it is too important in my evolutionary journey, my progression in life. Therefore my resolve must remain. I must close that door in the knowledge that it might be forever.

Tomorrow brings a new day. And with a new day, a new hope. I know that feeling will be there, bringing with it the person that I have come to like. I do not break promises, and I made a promise to myself not so very long ago. I will always find me again, no matter what it takes I will always be there for myself.

Until the time when someone else can be there for me, unconditionally there for me and I for them.

Training: Day 12

Plan: 30 mins recovery run

Reality: 49 mins recovery run with two dogs @5:08 am.  15 mins RR with all four dogs @ 7:45 pm.

Significant events: So tired this morning, puffy eyed and sleepy.  Knees painful from yesterday, swollen and bruised.

Comments: Really concerned that I might not be able to run for Scotland on Saturday.  Traveling/ logistics/costs are proving a nightmare.  I really do not want to run if I cannot give of my best.  This is no fun race, I will be representing my country!  Hopefully I will get some good news from SA today.  Otherwise I might have to make the decision not to run and then I will also need to review Nick's two week plan.  PMN - good news, SA have provided a solution.  I can now relax, well sort of relax...

Thought for the Day

When you believe in a dream, feel and breathe that dream,

The "when" matters not, just that one day it will be.

2009 may not be my time, it is part of the dream.

2014 will be my time. When I finally live that dream!

Finding Hope

What is the most important emotion to us as individuals?   Would every one of us respond to that question with the same answer?  Can you have one emotional feeling without another, do they have to be combined, shared, symbiotic relationship?

The one that I think energises me most is "hope".  Find hope in any situation and I will make it work.  I will fight, I will generate self-energy.  I will find a solution if it is a problem, or move forwards if it is dream.  Lose hope in a situation or lose hope on a dream and I give up.  

Think of a person who has lost their dog.  Perhaps wondered of in unfamiliar surroundings, intensely frightened by something.  Until told factually otherwise, the person never gives up hope of finding their dog.  It gets them out of bed in the morning, helps them focus on a new search, try a different approach, different strategy to find their missing dog.  

I lost a dog once, it took me two weeks, but I did find him again.  If I had given up hope I do not know if I would have found him again.  Perhaps I would not have been in that place when by mere chance he ran past.  Was it "mere chance"? (Let's leave that thought for another day....)  I might never have found him and would possibly have wondered what happened to him for the rest of my life... 

Humans beings are survivors.  Strongest of the species.  Resourceful, inventive and inspirational.  If you do not think you can find hope, you are wrong.  Try a new way and you will find it.  It is there all the time, sometimes hiding, sometimes sleeping.  Try the volcanic approach - a huge eruption, debris everywhere.  But then it is finally out there, no longer secretly contained within!!

I once had a problem that was very much my own.  I was engulfed by this problem.  But I never gave up hope.  For twenty years I awoke every morning with new hope that this would be the day that I would find the solution to that problem, find the strength to overcome.  Every morning the hope would be strong, but then fade towards evening as I knew I would not find the answer that day.  Hope would leave me, but it would return the next day.  Hope finally won when it was joined by belief.  Combine hope and belief and although not guaranteed, rapidly increases the probability of success!

Sometimes I never give up hope.  I cannot yet decide if that is good or bad.  Logic and rational thought tells me it is bad.  Gut feeling tells me that it is good.....?

Training: Day 11

Plan: 2 hour easy run

Reality: Just over 2 hours easy run with three dogs

Significant Events: Gorgeous morning.  Fabulous run, inspired and fully energized (with the exception of the "drop & drag" experience)

Comments: Experienced my first "drop & drag" incident courtesy of a brown husky!  I lost my balance tripping over an unidentified obstruction on the track (most probably a tree root), Kez panicked when I fell over and dashed forward instinctively.  He was attached to my waist belt and so pulled me forwards as I fell and then dragged my body along the track for a short distance.  Very painful and shocking impact for me.  Injuries luckily are not too serious: mildly sprained wrist; swollen, bruised & grazed knees; bruising & cuts on shin; minor grazes on left shoulder, thigh & back.  The resulting adrenalin from the fall kept me going for another 90 minutes.  Suffered increasing stiffness & general aches throughout the day.  Guess I will have to reclassify this run as "non easy"!!  Good test of my determination and commitment to my training plan - passed with flying colours me thinks!!

Thought for the Day

Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is nothing.

I want to help,

And yet I must do nothing.

The very act of helping,

Would disrupt the flow of evolution of another's mind.

Sometimes that is how it works best,

To do nothing.

Training: Day 10

Plan: AM 6 x 5 mins threshold, (60 secs recovery).  PM 45 mins recovery run

Reality: AM 3 x 6 mins & 2 x 5 mins (on Figsbury hill).  PM 44 mins recovery run

Significant events: mmmmm, first training session nursing a hangover and only 4 hours sleep. Not good idea. 

Comments: tough one due to last night's activities.  Fluffy head and somewhat dehydrated. Drunk one litre of High 5 with almost immediately improvement.  Felt very tired by the time I ran in the evening, very sleepy.

Intertwining of Emotions

I can feel inspired, motivated and open minded in the morning.  I can also feel depressed, negative and close minded in the morning.  Do the two have to inter twine within the fabric of my mind?

It is my birthday morning and I am inspired.  I am motivated and driven, an exciting new day ahead.  Another year has passed and I have evolved further.  I remember this day exactly two years ago.  I remember the words of that song.  Remember my resolve and the determination that then followed.  I have succeeded, achieved more than I thought possible.  There is a long way to go yet, but I have a lifetime to get there.....

It is my birthday lunchtime and I feel very much alone and very lonely.  Standing in the centre of the city of London, surrounded by thousands of people.  I feel overwhelming sadness.  I should not feel this.  I have just started an amazing new job, have so many happy things and people in my life and yet I am here in this sad little place.  Alone.  I forget where I was this morning and stay where I am, for now.  I wish "the kiddies" were here...

It is my birthday evening.  I am happy.  I feel so alive, energized and free spirited.  I am connected to people and connected to life.  Energized by these connections, flowing through my veins, my heart beating loud and strong.  I am standing only 200 yards from my lonely place at lunchtime.  I smile at the very thought of "the kiddies" being here....

It is the end of my birthday, 30 minutes past midnight.  I like where I am.  I feel content.  I like my world.

Training: Day 9

Plan: 30 mins recovery

Reality: 55 mins recovery run with 2 dogs

Significant events: good sleep, very energetic this morning.  It is my Birthday!!

Comments: body felt less stiff, (no back pack yesterday as I worked from home) ankle felt good.

Training: Day 8

Plan: 40 mins easy, 40 mins steady, 40 mins marathon pace

Reality: 25 mins very easy with four dogs, 90 mins steady with some almost marathon pace!

Significant events: extremely stiff back, right hip & hamstrings, took a long time to loosen up. Also very sore throat - I think dehydrated. Ankle intermittently painful.

Comments: Back problems causing concern, have now got a proper back pack, hopefully this will eliminate the problem. Starting to feel very nervous about running 100k. Do not feel confident about completing the distance.

Can You Lose True Love & Find It Again?

I think that the reality is that it is surprisingly easy to lose true love, take it for granted and let is slowly slip away.

Most things in life can be lost. You can lose your job, but if you try hard enough you will find another. You can lose a valuable document but you can find it again because it will exist somewhere... You can lose your car keys, but press the bleeper and hopefully you find them again. You can lose your fitness through injury etc.

Using those losses as examples, will you not learn from the experience and the frustration associated with it? Will you try harder in your next job to ensure that you keep it? Try harder to maintain your paperwork files so that you can instantly pick up that valuable document next time? Have a special hook for your keys? Train harder for the next race?

And yet how many of us will allow those losses to happen again?

If you adopt a more systematic approach to these losses can you prevent them happening again?

I am going to answer at least one of these questions with a resounding yes. I have always had issues with losing paperwork. I finally "flipped" one day and took the time out to think and develop a very simple system to ensure I always knew where everything was. And it works! For several months I have been able to go straight to every slip of paper or document that I want - this is after years of serious panicking when tax renewals, trips abroad etc suddenly came up! Also, finding my fitness again after a lay off from running? Simple, followed a different training plan! I did not give up, merely changed my approach and learned a very valuable lesson...

Therefore if a systematic approach can work for most losses, can it be used to find true love that has been lost? Warning - probably not a good idea to use a systematic approach to find it in the first place, kind of defeats the romantic ideal belief!! "Belief" and "systematic approach" kind of contradict each other....

I know that in order to find true love you have to actually believe in true love, to believe in the romantic ideal and be open minded at the same time as to what is achieveable - no fixed agenda for any criteria that needs to be met.

To find true love again requires even stronger beliefs, much deeper desire and want.

To believe again you have to know why you lost it in the first place, and forgive that reason whether it be an event a circumstance or a past memory. To forgive is one of the hardest acts we as human beings ever have to do. To forgive you have to understand why, to understand why you have to ask questions and achieve the answers. When you have the answers, you will be given the ability to understand. If you allow yourself to understand you will be able to forgive.

I do not think it is good to just forgive and forget, instead remember how you were able to do it and when you have to forgive the next time, try the same approach that worked before. Or try another approach, but always try and ensure you can confidently offer that forgiveness. It is a very negative burden on the mind if you are not able to do so. But it is a phenomenal positive if you can! Hugely powerful! Some of the answers will be harder to achieve than others, because you have to make sure that you are asking the best questions for the circumstances.

And what if you do not actually know what caused the true love to be lost. What if you woke up one morning and you just did not feel it anymore? Can that happen? How do you fix that one? Can you lose the feeling of true love if you lose yourself? If your mind demons temporarily take control of your thoughts. Convince you of things that are not true and make you believe in a different world than is the reality. Or do you only lose the true love after you have lost yourself? Is this another case of a symbiotic relationship?

Returning to the question of using a systematic approach to find true love again. I personally do not know if it can work as I have not truly tried. Maybe it can work, or maybe it cannot purely because it involves the emotions and feelings of another being. But I have tried the systematic approach to forgiveness in many areas and I can confirm that it does work for me.

Training: Day 7

Plan: 60 mins steady

Reality: 72 mins easy/ steady with 2 dogs @ 5 am. 20 mins very easy in evening (7 pm)with 4 dogs

Significant events: Stiffness in back and top of legs (due to walking/ backpack in London). Also feeling tired due to early start & routine change, but did feel very energised during my morning run.

Comments: It is going to be very hard to fit my training with my new job and the travel involved. But, I can see various ways to do it and with the longer days as we move into Spring/ Summer it will make it easier. I really like my brief little wind down after work with the dogs! Need to look at getting a better backpack as I can foresee significant issues if I continue with this one.

Training: Day 6

Plan: 45 mins easy am, 45 mins easy pm

Reality: 50 mins easy with dogs @ 5 am; 25 mins easy in Central London @ 1pm; 20 mins easy with dogs @7 pm.

Significant events: My first ever lunchtime run (when working)! Very busy, but gave me amazing energy post run. Nice wind down with dogs

Comments: Also two very rapid walks between stations, this time with trainers. Hope to do more lunch timers, but will need to be careful as the weather gets warmer!

Training: Day 5

Plan: 60 mins easy

Reality: 72 mins easy with the dogs @ 5:15 am

Significant events: First day at work/ travelling to London, 5:00 am start...

Comments: no sign of any stiffness post race. Very energetic, excited about the start of a new begining... Very rapid walk from Leicester Sq to Waterloo - stiff knee and blisters after (was wearing dress boots - trainers from now on!)

Thought for the Day

Dreams are what propel us into action

They give us meaning and the stimulation to recreate at least some aspect of our world

Running Motivational Tip

Play games with your speed when out running

Sprint between lamp posts

Chase after people walking dogs in the distance - smile as you overtake!

Time yourself on a particular small stretch of road/ track

Three days later race yourself - beat your previous time

Is Racing Exciting or Stressful?

If it is stressful, is it "positive stress"?

I woke at 4 am this morning with a racing heartbeat. I am unsure whether this is due to excitement or anxiety. I have a race today, a semi marathon that is part of my training plan. It is an important race as it will give me an indication of my true fitness.

I have negative emotions towards racing as it takes away so much of what running means to me. Takes away my freedom and the "carefree" experience. I will be surrounded by people, running at a different time than usual, eating differently, there will be no dogs and I will be racing the clock. My body will ache from the effort and I will want to stop, or at least slow down to the comfortable running pace that I know will keep me going for hours. Then there are the "after effects", people will ask me how I did and I will want to tell them that I did well, but normally I do not feel that I have run well. I am rarely genuinely happy with my performance. And yet I know that when I am happy with my performance it gives me a huge confidence boost.

I want to do some work around my negative thoughts on racing, try some psychology techniques. I want to be able to accept all race performances, use them as learning experiences in a positive way. I feel this is an important element that I need help on as my attitude is restricting me - I will avoid races due to both the before and after effects.

I could not return to sleep this morning, my heart kept pounding heavily, mind kept thinking. I also start my new job tomorrow, which I am extremely excited about and yet a little nervous, due to the unknown...

This period in the morning, after sleeping, dreams and before the next day begins, is the best time to have a cuddle. The most relaxing cuddle of the day, so warm and reassuring. Feel so content wrapped in another persons arms, share their warmth and energy - switch off from the unspecific thoughts running through the mind. Drifting along in the spell of contentment before moving into the reality of present and every day life. It saddens me to think how I can almost disregard some of the things that are truly important to me, how easily I can sometimes break that spell. Pulled out by a "must do this" or "must do that" attitude. Do I really have to "do this & that".....

I do feel extremely positive this morning, and also energetic. Based upon those feelings, I believe that the reason for my racing heart is excitement. If it is anxiety, then the good things that are happening in my life are outweighing the negatives, ensuring that positivity reigns!

Going back to the original question relating to racing being exciting or stressful, I believe it to be both. The little glimmer of possibly achieving a personal best is exciting. The thought of a new experience (if it is a race I have never done), meeting old friends and possible new friends is also exciting. Taking today's race for example, with two miles to go I over took a young man who had just about given up having started too quickly. I touched his shoulder, giving him a little push and said some encouraging words to him. It was just the boost that he needed. At the end of the race he went on a mission to find me and thank me for helping him find that energy to finish. What a hugely positive experience for us both!

But there is also the stress of getting to the start on time, fully prepared and with expectations to be met. Knowing what pace I need to run at, when I should take food or water. Worry that I might get "runners tummy" at some point, maybe I wont be able to finish the race for some reason. And today there was the extreme worry of my ankle. I am enduring a lot of pain from it just now, I do not know if it is temporary or if it is the downwards slope to my early retirement. I am not yet prepared for this eventuality. I have so much more running to do. I was told five years ago that I would never run again - I have turned this around and strengthened my ankle as a result, but the injury still exists and at the moment the pain is very real. I am on "borrowed" time I know, but I want to extend that for as long as humanly possible.... It saddens me deeply to think that my running dream might one day be brutally taken away from me, all because of a mistake that was not mine.

Tears in my eyes at this moment as I write these words, I am not going to let this go yet. People sometimes call me extremely tenacious, you ain't seen nothing yet!!

I learned a lot from today's racing experience, which I will write about in my training diary. It did confirm my opinion that racing is both exciting and stressful in a positive way. And yes, I was happy with today's performance!

Training: Day 4

Plan: Semi Marathon hard, then 60 mins easy

Reality: Semi Marathon hardish, then 50 mins easy

Significant events: 5 hours sleep. Ankle still aching. Did not have a proper dinner last night.

Comments: Good start and finish to race - 6:23 to 6:52 mins/mile pace. Middle section dropped to nearly 8 minute pace at worst, due to problems with ankle. Pain eased so was able to finish strongly. Lost energy at several points and took on sport juice and jelly babies (unusual for this short of a distance). Mind was very negative during the middle phase and wanted to stop. Felt fine at the end, fingers were swollen due to dehydration. Didn't achieve a PB, but was only 20 seconds off - not bad considering the circumstances. Spent a lot of time convincing myself not to stop, and considerable time thinking about the "exciting" or "stressful" debate about racing!! Also contemplated not running London Marathon and not running for Scotland at the end of this month. No logical reason for withdrawing from either, aside from the fact that my confidence concerning my ankle is a little low just now.

Thought For The Day

It is not always the choices in life that make us who we are

We make choices

Choices are made for us

It is how we grow from those choices that proves who we truly are

My Answers To The "True Love" Question

When pondering my "what is true love" scenario the other day, I forgot to ask myself two very important questions. Can you measure true love? Can you quantify true love? The answer to those questions is quite categorically NO. You can only FEEL it. I believe that is why many people would struggle to answer my original question as not everyone has a symbiotic relationship with their own feelings and emotions.

And so, if I now ask myself "have you ever felt true love", then my 100% confident answer is YES. For five months I knew what true love was. When a look or a touch says more than words alone. When words shared can bring joy and light into a dark room. When dreams are shared and inspiration free flows. When problems are not problems, just things to do. When smiles are passed from one happy face to one sad face. When you are joined as one nothing else matters for those moments in time apart from sharing each other. When you do not question your future together, you just know that it will be.

And so, I have now answered my own question.

The follow up questions are now: "if you do find true love, how can you lose it"; "can you ever find true love again"; "if you find true love with one person, can you find it with another person"; "can it only be true love if both people feel it"? I already have very strong opinions on all of those questions.....

What Do Our Hobbies Mean?

What do our hobbies mean to us? Why/ how do we choose our hobbies? Do we choose them or do they find us? Do we choose them to provide something that is missing in our lives, to provide a release from other realities within our worlds? Or are there other reasons why the gardener spend hours in the garden, the painter paints the world from his perspective, the DIY'er working on his house.... And when do our hobbies become more than just hobbies and evolve into something more engulfing? Is that good, or is that a sign of an obsessive, possibly addictive personality?

I know I can answer these questions with very strong opinions....

I did not choose running, it found me. I have had self esteem/ confidence issues about my body, mind and my actions for as long as I can remember. Constantly uncomfortable with my body, and doubtful of my thoughts and ideas. Not wanting to let people see the real me in case they did not like me. Always craving for people to like me, trying to help others to mask the reality of my own life and what I could be achieving on a day to day basis. One minute my mind would say "speak those words to that person, share your opinion" or "yes do that action, make it happen". Almost instantly my little mind demon would come rushing in saying "no! don't do it, you will fail, you are wrong it will not work". This mind demon is a very forceful character and normally won. I held back for fear of failure. Or put in another context, I held back for fear of the affect that any feedback might have on me. I wont transgress into NLP theorising here, that is for another day, today it is about why my hobby gave me ME.

And so, running found me. It allowed me to eat without fear of getting fat, it gave me energy to feed my body and mind, it helped remove negative energy i.e. stress and worry and it gave me a focus and determination to just "do". It also gave me amazing inspiration for my dreams, my hopes and plans for my future.

I am aware that I write now in the past tense, "it gave me this and gave me that" etc. that is because for many years it was my coping mechanism and I was reliant upon it. If I did not run I went into extremely dark and scary places within my mind. Places where the mind demons ruthlessly ruled, and cold darkness was all around me. Quite simply I needed running to give me life. This was more than just a hobby...

Moving forwards to the present, I no longer need to run. Take today for example, my training plan says REST, no running and that is what I am going to do. After an emotional and stressful week previously I would be panicking about the prospect of not running, but not any more. My mind will remain sunny today I will make sure it does!! P.S. If you want to know more about how I managed to turn things around you will have to read my book.....

Back in the present, my hobby still remains "more than just a hobby", but for very positive reasons. I am very good at what I do, self motivating, naturally talented, self coached (until recently) and very in tune with my body from an athlete's perspective. As a result I have run for my country, become a national champion, finished runner up twice in succession in the UK Athletics championship, and had the third fastest time for 100k in 2008 (UK only).

I am now struggling with the next step in my running. I have much more to give, can improve considerably and can go onto greater things. My hobby needs to move onto another level and I am not sure if I am quite ready for that yet. There are many implications if I do, one of the biggest being that to move forward with this hobby would bring pressure and stress as I constantly strive to improve, race myself, the clock and others. Change my eating habits, affect my social activities, and impact my relationships. Would aspects of these changes not contradict the objective of having a hobby? I also need to ask for help - something that I find very hard to do!

Perhaps I will need to find another "new" hobby.....

Training: Day 3

Plan: REST

Reality: REST

Significant events: Incredibly significant. If I manage to have a complete rest, no running at all then I will have made a huge leap forward! Tis a challenge, but will bring rewards - amazing confidence boost.... Ankle still a little sore and my eye is also irritated due to debris from yesterday's tree cutting exploits.

Comments: Ok, looking good so far. I have reached 5:45 pm and not run one step today. It has been a bright sunny day outside and also in my mind. I have achieved a lot in the garden and in my writings. I have had a few wobbles regarding "fat body" thoughts, but it has not stopped me eating normally. This is good for my confidence and a great step forward. I go to the movies later, reward for a tough day!

What is True Love?

Today I asked myself what do I believe to be true love.

I asked myself this because I know what "love" is, it is easy to love. Love thy mother, father, sisters, children, even friends - that is what I define as unconditional love. The ability to love is part of us as human beings. But what is "true love"?

Is true love a romantic ideal that we fantasise about but is not achievable? Do you have to find true love to know that he/ she is "the one"?

Why does true love have to be conditional? Is it conditional? Dependant on meeting our "needs"?

If you strive to find true love will you ever find contentment. Is contentment important?

Is it when you find happiness with another person and commit to sharing a life with them?

Is it when you accept another person for exactly who they are? Can you accept another person if you cannot accept your self?

Should true love be hard work? How deep does one go to find true love?

Do people sacrifice their quest for true love and accept an amicable and easy life?

Is it deemed overly ambitious to seek true love at the expense of happiness and sharing a life and future with someone?

Can you be truly happy if you do not have true love? Is it that important?

If you find true love and loose it can you find it again? Was it not true love if you lost it?

In true love can people make mistakes, errors of judgement and be forgiven - or is that what happens in committed relationships?

So many questions, yet I cannot confidently answer any? Is that because I do not understand true love? How can I answer my questions? Do I need others to provide their thoughts in order for me to confidently answer mine?

Or will I just know when I find it...

Running Routes: London City

Description: Tour around central London

Duration: 2 hrs 20 mins at very easy pace & taking many photos.

Start out Frampton St, Paddington, head down Edgeware Rd to Marble arch, then Oxford St. WARNING - very flexible limbs and strong self survival responses required as you dodge commuters, especially in the Oxford Circus area.

At Tottenham Court Rd junction take right turn down Charing Cross Rd all the way to Trafalgar Square. Dodging pigeon poo from the residents of the square, go under Admiral Arch and follow The Mall to Buckingham Palace. Keeping an eye out for the Queen (flag flying means her Majesty is in residence), turn left and come back along Birdcage Walk towards Parliament Sq. and then across to Embankment. Follow Embankment to Waterloo Bridge stopping to admire the view of the City from the middle of the river - WOW. Turn left at the end and down the steps to Southbank. If you are feeling particularly energetic turn around and run up an down the steps a few times - who needs hills when you are in the city!

Follow Southbank all the way to Tower Bridge, ensuring you take in all the amazing sights that can been seen on this stretch of riverside. Keep an eye out for the acorn signs on the posts) Warning - if passing the tower dungeon quite a scary noise emanates from within, sounds a bit like hoodlums. Upon reaching Tower Bridge don't do what I did and wait for ages in the hope that it will open up and you can get an action shot of a ship coming through... Cross Tower Bridge to the Tower of London. I then got a little lost and ran on the road (pavement) heading towards Westminster. I think you can follow more acorn signs on the Northbank alongside the river. Anyway by taking the route that I did I got to see a completely different side to part of the route for London Marathon - there were cars and no eager supporters encouraging me along. I did eventually pick up the acorn signs and headed back towards Big Ben. Take a right through Whitehall and back towards Trafagar Sq. Warning when crossing the roads here - especially mindfull of the taxis.

Head back up Charing Cross Road (must confess that I took a detour around Leicester Square as I am going to work there). If you are hungry at this point it might be a good idea to stop at Covent Garden as there is no better choice of food options in the area!

Distractions taken care of, follow all the way to Oxford Street junction (look out for "We Will Rock You" sign, take a left and following Oxford Street to Marble Arch.

Right at Marble Arch onto Edgeware Road and follow all the way to Frampton St.

Training: Day 2

Plan: 30 mins (10 easy/ 10 steady/ 10 threshold)

Reality: 20 mins jog with all 4 dogs, then 33 mins (with about 15 mins of threshold incorporated)

Significant events: Good sleep, focus & energy. Ankle still hurting. Knees starting to hurt due to dead trainers. Warning - replace trainers

Comments:

Amazing the inspiration one can achieve through running. Sometimes the inspiration is very dream focused, other times more factual and "doing" based. Also a great time to ask questions in one's mind - unfortunately I do not always find the answers. Perhaps on my next run I will. Also found myself a human running partner (opposed to dogs) today, very different to run with another person but is was also exciting as there was a good connection....

Running Stories

Want to learn how to ski in mud with three huskies?

Mud Skiing

Running Routes: Winterbourne Dauntsey

Start of Hill Climb to Figsbury Ring

Description: Figsbury Ring to Pitton Down, returning to Winterbournes via Hurdcott.

Duration: 42 minutes steady pace

Starting out on Figsbury Road, head under the railway bridge and up Figsbury Hill. Warning - sometimes there are baby pigs loose on this track, tasty morsels for hungry dogs! At the top of Figsbury Hill head towards the far left exit (you can go clockwise or anti-clockwise around the rings. Exit through the gate and head down the track towards the A343. Taking great care, cross this road and after 100 yards turn right onto the bridle way and up the hill to Pitton Hill. At the crossroads (just after the tree section, take a right through the gate and head down the hill. At this point and on a clear day you will have an amazing view of Salisbury and the surrounding valley. I love this view! Sometimes when I run down here in high spirits and on top form I almost feel as if I am flying. Flying like an eagle soaring high in the sky!

Feet back on the ground.... head down the hill to the bottom and through the gate, cross the road and straight through the next gate. Continue on this path until the end and then exit the gate. Stop immediately at the busy road (A343 again) and cross carefully, taking an immediate right, and straight down the bridle way. Follow this path to its end. Warning - be very careful of the overhanging bramble bushes. I recently had one rip me badly across my nose and face, causing much bleeding. I still carry the scars!!

At the end (after the railway bridge) cross the road (A338) and straight down Hurdcott lane. Follow this road to its end (stables on the right) and take a right through the gate and up the footpath to the right of the barn. At the top go through the gate and immediate right. You are now on the pavement beside the A338, continue on this pavement for about 1/4 mile, looking out for the Church on the right hand side. Cross the road and take the first right after the Church. You are now back on Figsbury Road.

Running Routes: Winterbourne Dauntsey

View of The Winterbournes from Gomeldon Hill.
Description: Winterbournes through Gomeldon Estate & Highpost Golf Course

Duration: one hour at steady pace

Starting out on Figsbury Road, facing Figsbury Ring take left along the footpath just before Kingston Close. Follow this path straight through the field heading towards Gomeldon. Keeping going all the way to the end, crossing one road. Upon reaching the end of the path, take left then immediate right across the road and into the field. Turn right in field and follow path all the way to the stile, cross over and take left follow road, taking next left cross the river and straight across the main A338 into Gomeldon Estate. Warning: this is a busy road, take great care. Follow path in Estate right to the end at Boscombe. (Have a good look at the partly ruined barn on the left before you start climbing the hill - amazing development potential, but hands off it's my dream!!) Take a left onto the road and follow perimeter of fence until the end, take a left across the road (grass track) heading towards the golf course. Straight across the next road, into High Post Golf Course and follow bridle way to high post end. Warning: look out for wild card golf balls and also horse poo. Take left down the hill, passing the golf club house on your right. Follow road to its end, cross the road and head towards the ford. Use the bridge to cross the ford (unless you fancy a wee paddle) and straight on into Winterbourne Dauntsey. You will arrive at the village shop and can have a welcome drink, or continue one hundred yards and have an even more welcome drink in the beer garden of the Winterbourne Arms pub!

Running Routes: London City

Description: Frampton Street (NW1) to Waterloo station.

Duration: 40 mins at steady pace.

There are more direct routes to the station, but they all involve dodging commuters on the busy streets of London City. This route is relatively quiet and scenic too!

Head down Frampton Street and take left onto Edgeware Road. Follow Edgeware Road all the way to Oxford Street and Marble Arch. Cross the road (using green man as guidance - no jay walking...) and enter Hyde Park just to the left of Marble Arch. Take left onto Serpentine Road (within the park) and follow road all the way to Hyde Park Corner. Cross over Knightsbridge Road, through Wellington Arch and down Constitution Hill. Warning - ensure you run down the non bike side of the pavement as some of the cyclists take no prisoners! Turn right past the front of Buckingham Palace (fabulous Beefeater photo opportunities...) and head down Spur Road towards Birdcage Walk. Turn left onto Birdcage Walk and follow to Parliament Square. Cross road and onto Westminster Bridge and straight across the Thames (don't forget to admire the view both sides of the Bridge). On a hot day it might be tempting to jump in the Thames to cool off. I suggest you lead not into temptation for health and safety reasons!! At the end of the bridge drop down the left hand side steps and onto the river bank path heading towards the Millenium eye (huge big wheel), Take a right at the "eye" and veering left, cross diagonally through Jubilee Gardens. Shell building now on your left, head up the steps across the bridge and into London Waterloo Train station. Hopefully you have enough time now to get a cold drink for hydration and a coffee and snack before you board the train. Don't forget to buy your ticket before you get on the train....

Meet the Dogs

Muiryetts Power Game

Kai having a howl in the snow

Meet the dogs

Wildenfree Phoenix Tail

Kez (Keswick when naughty) standing tall in the sun

Meet the dogs

Wildenfree Blues Kaiskade

Kade free running in the snow

Meet the dogs

Wildenfree Highland Home

Kroft basking in the sun and try to look nonchalant

New Beginings

My first day of self blogging!! Why today of all days? Because I am no longer scared. I was unsure how this "blogging thingermigiggery" works and so held off, hoping someone would write me a procedure explaining it - must be my Quality Management background....

I am very sad as I write. I lost something close and dear to me this day. In the quest for "the perfect relationship" we dwelled too much on our fears to the detriment of our future. We have separate futures now, but our journey will remain in my thoughts as a reminder of how amazing a couple can be when you use the positives to outweigh the negatives.

I have time now to concentrate on me. Pay special attention to my training and focus on my new job which I start on Monday. Training and working in London is going to be an amazing experience. I will get to know a very special city from the inside out, and make new friendships and connections.

I will experiment over the coming weeks with this blog and ultimately launch my Website SandraBowers.co.uk. I have been planning this one for a while...

Training: Day 1

Plan: 60 minutes easy run.
Reality: 40 minutes in Central London, train journey & one hour 20 minutes home, carrying a heavy rucksack for the full duration. Easy running and felt physically strong throughout.
Food: fruit & nuts (yoghurt coated) 0ne piece of yorkie (not as good as Freddo frogs) between runs. 500 ml. Rego, fruit, yoghurt & weetabix/ muesli post run. Bagel & peanut butter. Salmon & vegetables. M&Ms!!
Significant events: less than two hours sleep. Emotionally upset. Stiffness in my right hip & ankle (from dodging people in the streets of London during rush hour yesterday)
Comment:
Sorry Nick, but I could not miss the opportunity to explore more of my new city playground, and then go the long way home. Today of all days I needed to run. Needed to remind myself of who I am. I am a runner. I work and yes I do other things, but the thing I do best is run. It has helped me cope and deal with traumatic events in my life, helped me regain my self esteem and belief in life.
Funny, as I wrote that last line the tears finally flowed. I have waited all day for this release and it takes my own words to finally do it - I guess proof that words are more powerful than thoughts. I am relieved as I had visions of having to chop thousands of onions to get the same effect.
I have six months to get myself into the best shape ever, both physically and mentally. It is six months until the Commonwealth Championship.