Accepting my own Challenge - Eat Bambi...

I have been a vegetarian for over 20 years.  Not eaten any meat since I was a child.  

This is about to change, I am going to eat meat....  

I started eating fish last year in order to ensure my body was getting enough protein, omega 3 etc. and also to broaden the variety of food available to me.  For the past three months I have been trying desperately to increase the iron (ferritin) levels in my blood.  I need this iron to help the oxygen uptake of my blood when I am training, need it to help me improve my running efficiency and ability.

The body needs oxygen in every cell, the iron in hemoglobin (within the red blood cells) carry this oxygen from the lungs to where it is needed.  Also if iron levels are low, the body cannot use all the energy available to it, as iron is essential for the chemical reactions that produce energy from food.

I have eaten copious amounts of spinach, and green vegetables, taken vitamin tablets combined with iron supplements (vitamin C assists the absorption of iron).  It has not been enough.  I have always known that there is no replacement for the haem iron found in meat, other sources provide non-haem iron (cereal, bread, vegetables, eggs) but are not absorbed by the body as effectively as haem iron.  

My blood test this week proves that my ferritin levels are still low.  

Three months ago I was advised that meat would give my body what it needs.  I responded by saying that I closed no door to what I might need do in order to improve, but it would be a huge challenge just to put meat in my mouth, never mind eat it regularly.  

I am now preparing myself for one of my biggest challenges yet - I am going to start eating meat.  I will do it as a controlled experiment over the next three months.  My future could change immensely if it proves successful.

I have researched which meats will fit best for me from a nutritional and also an ethical perspective and have decided that the first meat I want to eat is venison.  I apologise to all those dedicated vegetarians out there.  I choose to break a long term commitment made as a child, in pursuit of a dream.  

I think I might watch Bambi one last time before I do........

When A Dream Becomes a Reality

Two weeks ago to this very day, I achieved a life time's dream.  I regained my Scottish National 100k title in a comfortable personal best time that has earned me qualification to represent Great Britain at the World 100k Championships in Belgium.  

The facts are there, medals in my hand and yet I still do not feel the achievement in my body.  I say the words, hear the words and yet do not seem ready to accept what I have done, I do not feel the emotion that I know I will.  It almost feels like I am in denial - I thought it was only bad things that sent me into denial.  This dream is most definitely a good thing!  Five years ago I was told that I would never run again because of my ankle injury, five years later I am still running and destined to compete with the world's best endurance athletes.  And I have earned the right to be there.

THE RACE

I started the race with no big expectations.  I wanted to finish, and wanted to finish sub nine hours.  The memory of my last 100k fresh in my mind.  Memories of the emotional pain that I struggled with during the race, and memories of my journey as a result of the experience.  Although the past few weeks have been physically exhausting (new job, 4 hours daily commute), mentally I am stronger than I have even been.  I believe in me fully now.  Believe that I can achieve all that I say I will.  This belief is a powerful force.  As physical energy seeps from my body it waits in the wings and then surges forward gives me extra charge...

I was a little concerned about how my mind would cope with the race course, which was fifty laps up and down the sea front.  Not an exciting course, completely flat, but exposed and if there were any substantial sea "breezes" they would take their toll on body and mind.  There was also the inevitability of constantly being overtaken by all the faster runners!  

I started the race very conservatively, almost felt like jogging as I pottered along all on my own near the back and was soon being overtaken by all the other Scottish ladies.  I was keeping an eye on the clock and knew roughly what my lap times were, and so I was surprised by what others were doing in the race - I actually kept thinking that I had my timings wrong and must be running slower than I thought.  It worried me a little, but I felt confident and decided that I was going to run my own race and save myself for the later stages when pain normally kicks in.  I wanted to try and run as equal splits as possible, and wanted my last mile to be sub seven minute mile pace.

I started eating inside the first hour - good old Freddo the chocolate Frog was the first to fuel me, followed by some gels, mints, bananas and even some baby food.  Later in the race I had flapjack and mini rolls.  I had an intense craving for carrot cake but there was none - must remember for my next race.  The baby food was amazing (strawberry rice in a sachet that I could squeeze easily) and I felt the energy from it very quickly. P.R.N. tried eating it one afternoon this week - yeauch, only tastes nice when you really need it as fuel, not one to eat for pleasure!

When running for nine hours (0k 8.5 hours this time), I have the opportunity to  think a lot without any interruptions.  No phones, no email, no one demanding that you answer a question or solve a problem.  No dogs that need walked or fed, dishes that need washing....  It is an amazing free time that does not come round very often.

People ask me regularly what I think of when I am running.  I have shared many of my thoughts through this website.  During this race I thought of me, myself and I.  Where I have been and where I am going...

I felt extremely comfortable until just before half way, and then disaster.  Due to the tight turns on the course my ankle started objecting, pain ensued and I started limping heavily.  I started fearing the worst, those words from the doctor of five years ago fresh in my mind.  Was it now time to plan my retirement from running?  Stop before I have gotten properly started on my racing career?  I could feel gut wrenching sadness deep in the pit of my stomach as I considered pulling out of the race.  To pull out now would be detrimental to my confidence and I did not want to consider the implications of that.  I stopped at the feeding station and put heavy strapping on my ankle in the hope that it would be enough.  I also took Ibubrofen, which I have never taken during a race before (I do not like taking any medication under "normal" circumstances), but I had to try anything just to keep running.

The next few laps were extremely tough, physically and mentally.  I ran very wide on all the turns to protect my ankle, almost hopping at one point to ensure no unnecessary pressure was placed on the "injury".  The pain did settle and I knew that I would be able to continue.

I soon started picking up the pace again, gaining on the people that had lapped me in the first half.  As the laps started counting down, (in my world they go up in the first half, down in the second) I began lapping people and was soon in front of all the Scottish ladies.  I do have to confess at this point I did get a little buzz.  The pull of regaining my Scottish National title was strong.  I wanted it back, wanted to go into the Commonwealth Championship as the Champion of my Country.  This pull gave me energy, combined with my belief in me and my dreams strong in my mind I felt good.  I was a little concerned that I felt too good, was the crash just about to come....?  Pride before the fall...

Nine laps to go, then eight, seven, six, five - whoa hold on, I only had five left and yet the lap recorders told me I had six to go!  I screeched to a halt and refused to continue until it was resolved....  Ok, that bit didn't really happen but the vision is quite entertaining!

I did question the count, but couldn't really argue and just assumed that I had gotten confused at some point.  I did want to stop, but knew that the end was far too close for that.  And I was going to earn those two free pints of Guiness!

I had known for some time (by my calculations) that I was on schedule for 8.5 ish hours, even if I had one more lap than I thought it would still earn me a convincing personal best time.  My biggest concern at this point was that Izzy (second Scottish female) appeared to be gaining on me and I didn't have my one lap ahead advantage anymore.  I have Izzy to thank for my time as she really did push me on, I was so determined not to lose my crown and kept digging every time I saw her on the course.  I am so pleased that she achieved such an amazing personal best (knocking off about 50 minutes I think) and has achieved the qualification time for the Commonwealth Championships - well done Izzy!

With two laps to go, everyone suddenly appeared very interested in my time. If I could pick up the pace I would be very close to 8:40, which was GBR qualification time for the World Championships.  I had been "pain managing"my entire body for the last two hours and picking up the pace did not seem a possibility, but somehow I did it and managed to finish in 8 hours and 38 minutes.  I was so time conscious that I did not even have time to hold the flag properly as I crossed the finish line, I just grabbed it and ran home!

I had finished another 100k, regained my Scottish title, a personal best time and achieved the qualification time to represent Great Britain.

At the prize giving, the GBR team manager said some lovely words about my run and my excellent time of 8:28.  I got really embarrassed and flustered as I tried to explain that it was actually 8:38 when I finished.

I then turned to someone else to ask them to remedy this error, to be told "oh yeah, you ran an extra lap - once we checked your lap times it was obvious!"

I have to say, I was not cross in any way.  Nice to know that I can actually count during a race though!

The final icing on the cake was on Sunday morning when I was told that I had been selected to represent Great Britain in the team event of the World Championships in Belgium in June 2009.  My first GBR vest and the realisation of a dream held ever since I knew who Seb Coe was!

At the start of this post I said that I had not yet felt my achievement.  I feel it now.  Tears are rolling down my face as I read the words and relive the race.  Tears flow as I remember all my dreams as a child, hours of inspiration watching Coe, Ovett and Cram and the races they ran.  Sebastian Coe my first ever hero, idolised as a child and my reason for running 800 metres.  Little did I know that I would have to run 125 of them in succession to earn my vest!

  

When Does Alone Become Lonely

I awoke this morning, feeling very much alone, yet there was someone else in the house with me.

I went running into the middle of the Wiltshire countryside, darkness still in the sky, no-one near me for miles, and yet I did not feel alone.  Did not feel lonely.

How does that work?

I think of all the times when I feel alone, even though there are people all around me, when I am in the centre of London for example, one of the busiest places in the world.  I can stand there are feel so sad and lonely that I want to cry.  And yet there are other times when I feel completely alive, energized by all the people that are surrounding me.  Feeding off the buzz of their energy.

I believe that the times I feel truly lonely are the times that I want to share myself, share my life and feel I am not.  It has been several years since I last truly shared my life with another.  Most of the time I can accept that.  I am a fiercely independent person and I can provide, or find a way to provide for most of my needs.  But there are times when I crave more.  Times when I want to share my life and me with others.  I can do this with friends, and even work colleagues to a certain extent, but they will never fully share my life.

Take this morning for example.  I tend to wake a little negatively minded in the morning, I think the mind demons awaken at night and it takes a while for them to fall asleep, to be replaced by the shining gods of the mind.  There are exceptions to this.  When I awake in another person's arms the phrase "contentment" springs to mind.  I do not believe it possible to feel contentment and loneliness at the same time.

Continuing on with this morning's example, how did I get from feeling lonely and not being alone, to being alone but certainly not lonely?

I think that when the mind demons take over they steal a little part of me.  I lose me when they are in power.  It does not take long for me to make them go sleep - I do not think that they like exercise so they leave me when I run!  They quietly make swift their exit and those shining gods come alive.  I can never be lonely when these shining gods are around.  They give me back myself and as long as I have that then I will never be lonely.

That is probably why I enjoy running and writing so much.  The two doth combine very well.  I am sharing myself as I write, it is almost like having a conversation with another person.  And it allows me to see structure within my thoughts.  Why do I think this, why do I think that?  By writing I can focus on the question that I am actually tryin.g to ask, and by focusing I can normally come up with a pretty good and strong opinion

Training: Day 15

Plan: 75 mins to include 45 mins at marathon pace

Reality: 30 mins easy with four dogs, 45 mins @ perceived MP, followed by 1o mins easy.  PM - 10 mins with dogs, 25 mins easy up Figsbury Hill.

Significant events: Long time since Kai has been up for a morning and evening run.  Very much aware that I am not suffering the stiffness in my back now that I have changed the back pack.

Comments: Didn't have my Garmin, but I think my perceived effort was probably a little slower than hoped.  Not going to worry about it.  "Funny" day resulted in me feeling the need to run in the evening, against my training plan.  Sometimes I have to give in to my "wobbles"!  Checked out the bruises on my knees and legs today - don't think I will be wearing shorts on Saturday!

Is Guilt the Most Negative Emotion?

I found my "new hope" this morning.  I feel alive, energized and enthusiastic about life.  Yes, I do also feel extremely tired, sleepy within my eyes, but fire is burning in me, energy pulsing through my veins.

I thought a lot about "guilt" this morning and the affect that it can have on my mind and actions.  I believe that guilt contributed to my sadness yesterday.  I know that I have acted a lot in my past based upon guilt - in a variety of situations.  And I also know that I can feel "guilty" about some of my actions, some of the things that I do on a day-to-day basis.  

I believe it to be wrong to use guilt as a driving force.  I feel that this belief is further confirmation that I must ensure I follow through on yesterday's plan and not resort back to a different train of thought, trail of actions.  Must not change my mind because I feel "guilty".

I have a tendency to feel guilty about a lot of things.  Abandoning my dogs being just one example, i.e. the long hours I am now working away from home, not there for them as pack leader.  I have always known that this negatively affects my little paranoid android that is Krofti.  He craves the security of leadership, harmony that it provides within the pack, even if he tries to pretend otherwise a lot of the time!

I remember my dream last night.  A dream that was created and built on guilt.

"Feeling bored and wanting to find me, the dogs managed to escape from the front door when it was accidently left open.  All came back soon with the exception of Kade.  He continued searching for me and found someone that looked and sounded a lot like me, but this person gave him more attention and more loving than I do.  He liked this for a while but then craved a return to the comfort of his pack. The lady would not let him go and held him captive, sending frequent ransom notes to me.  Kade did finally make good his escape and found his way home.  As I opened the door to let him in, Kroft dashed out chasing a squirrel in the part.  He did not make it across the road.  A lorry ran over him and left him crushed and crumpled in the road.  I ran over to him, scooping him up in my arms and ran all the way to the vet surgery.  It was Sunday and there was no one there willing to help me.  I tried pleading, rationalizing, offering great sums of money but no-one would help me.  I kept glancing down at his little crushed body feeling utterly helpless.  He had become so small again (Krofti has increased a lot in size since his little "operation").  With tears in my eyes and a breaking heart I did not know what to do next.  Anything to prolong my time with him..."

This morning I was saved from further despair; my alarm woke me with a start and broke the spell of the horrible dream.

So as you can imagine, the fact that Kroft willingly came running with me this morning had extra meaning for me.  Especially the fact that he was the one leading the hunt of the cockerel!

After reading the words that I have just written relating to this dream, I can easily interpret its hidden meaning.  Actually the meaning is not even hidden, it is blatantly obvious.

My conclusion can wait for another day...

Training: Day 13

Plan: AM: 45 mins RR.  PM - 45 mins RR.

Reality: 70 mins with three dogs @ 5 am. 30 mins around London @ 12:30 pm.

Significant events: 3 dogs!! Yipee, Krofti wanted to come this morning.  Extremely significant after last night's dream!

Comments: Delighted that Kroft came, unfortunately he was in complete "doddle" mode and so I was pulled from behind by him on the left and dragged forwards by Kez on the right!  Very sore shin - upon investigation I discovered that I have a huge bruise, souvenir from Sunday's tumble.  Somewhat relieved as it felt more like a muscle sprain at one point.

Met an abandoned cockerel this morning.  Poor little guy was just wondering aimlessly down the road.  I was dragged for about 400 metres by my "wolf killing machines" in full on hunt mode!  Just as I thought that in order to preserve my own life I was going to have to allow the cockerel to be sacrificed, he managed to find a hole in the hedge and squeeze through to safety.  Whewww.

Lunchtime run included my first visit to the MAC store on Regent Street and then a scenic trip through Horse Guard's Parade - wanted to share my lunchtime carrots with the horses!

The Difference Between Hope and Optimism

I went to bed last night feeling sad, but too tired to ask myself why.

I awoke this morning feeling sad. I went looking for answers....

I struggled to find myself within my mind last night. Struggled because sometimes I need a helping hand. Sometimes I cannot find what I need on my own.

I did ask someone for help last night. My request for help was met with silence. Absolute silence. It was a simple request, but one that meant a lot to me, was very significant to me. I interpret this silence to be a "no".

Upon receiving this answer, hope flew out the window and I finally realised the reality of the situation, and struggled to accept what I need to accept. This refusal of acceptance forced me down into a temporary little pit. I do not think that I ask a lot from people. I think I am very independent and self sufficient. Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I need to address this.

Last night, after all my thoughts and words yesterday relating to "hope", I finally lost hope and this hurts.

There are times when hope has to be removed. When it is a fruitless mission to continue. Certainly when the effort to maintain it negatively affects another more serious situation, then one has to be prioritised over the other. I find that hard to accept. I feel like I am being forced to remove it. It is brutally pulled from me, by a negative force.

Or maybe, perhaps maybe I don't have to "lose" it, instead "replace" it with something else - "optimism". Optimism is a positive feeling, based more on a logical train of thought that there will be a positive outcome. It is less emotional than hope and does not provide the same energy or drive, does not provide inspiration - but it is still good!

Therefore I will turn this "lost hope" into 'optimism' based upon the reality of the situation, based upon facts and a logical process of thought.

I do not like when I lose a feeling, I feel as though I have failed. Feel as though I have lost a little part of the essence of what makes me, me.

I will grieve this loss for a short while, but only for a short moment in time. The hardest part from this point forward is that I know for this transformation to work, I need to switch off. The only way to switch off is to close the door. Close the door and lock it shut. No words or sights may pass through. I will not throw away the key, just hide it somewhere safe, one day maybe find it again.

And so, hope turns to optimism. No matter what I will not become a pessimist.

I struggled through the day, mixture of sadness and regrets. This burden held me back today. I will not allow that to be. I cannot wobble just now, it is too important in my evolutionary journey, my progression in life. Therefore my resolve must remain. I must close that door in the knowledge that it might be forever.

Tomorrow brings a new day. And with a new day, a new hope. I know that feeling will be there, bringing with it the person that I have come to like. I do not break promises, and I made a promise to myself not so very long ago. I will always find me again, no matter what it takes I will always be there for myself.

Until the time when someone else can be there for me, unconditionally there for me and I for them.