Dear Spike,
Did you know that there is a beer that has
been created with someone like you in mind?
I found this beer the other day and the description on the label of this
bottle of beer had a very profound effect on me. I stood reading the label thinking of you and
the tears rolled down my face.
For as long as I can remember, I have
always had an exceptional bond with every animal I have ever lived or worked with. Rabbits, ducks, chickens, ponies and Siberian
Huskies I have always had a very deep connection built on trust, understanding
and respect of how that being lives, what it loves what it hates. Knowing what motivates them has allowed me to
do things with them that have taken me beyond my wildest dreams.
I believed that I could not connect with
you because I did not understand you.
That you live in a world far removed from mine and while our life
together in the husky and human family is harmonious, no special bond exists.
I recently started fearing that by trying
to include you in one of my extreme dreams I was trying to turn you into
something that you are not. Ask you to
do something that perhaps you were not capable of. And so, induced by fear of your ability and
my ability, I stopped trying. I started
believing the worst and that both our physical impairments were declining such
that some dreams would never be…..
I wondered around for a few days with my
mind in a dark place. I felt guilt about
what I was asking you to do and felt sadness for myself as I acknowledged the
situation regarding my ankle. The mind
demons came out to play and I let them chase away the little angels of my mind.
I tried to rationalize and not give up
completely, perhaps there was still hope.
As long as my mind could cope with my own
pain, I could still train towards my dream but without you in the dream team. Giving
up on dreams is always very hard, and while I tried to change the dream and pursue
it without you, the inspiration to do so lessened, my heart felt heavy and my
wings dampened.
As I continued training I became aware of a
change in you. Your eyes lost their
sparkle and your enthusiasm each day dropped, you struggled to eat and no
longer looked like you were enjoying life.
You still ran, but not with the same energy or determination. You interacted less with the other members of
the dream team and your attention seeking behavior became worse. I did not see that at the time, I just heard
yappy barking that continued until I got cross and then you continued some
more. But the reality was that you were
desperate for my attention and when you barked and I responded you dashed off
with a smile on your face. The back
chatting was just the same, fighting for my attention in the way you know best.
We decided that your condition must be
deteriorating and that daily pain medication was now the next step. Your almost instant response to the first dose
of medicine was completely unexpected and the resultant destruction of several
lengths of hosepipe and numerous manic dashes around the house had us believe
that the pain relief was working and we had a solution.
We continued for several days and it was
clear that you had more energy, but still your eyes were not sparkling. We still ran little easy runs together, but
something was definitely still missing.
And that is when I found myself in the beer
aisle of Waitrose…
As I read the words on the bottle of beer
and thought of you, a crescendo of activity occurred deep inside my mind and
body. I don’t need to understand your
behavior; I just need to accept that you do what you do because you want
to. You led a very different life before
we met; a life of pain and suffering and close to death when you were
rescued. Perhaps sometimes you do things
just because you are happy to be alive.
You clearly love being around people and love doing things that are
fun. And what if I had got it wrong and
I was contributing to your sadness by giving up on you and not allowing you to
be part of the dream team? What if you
also have dreams…..
If you did not want to run, then you would
not. The pain in my ankle is probably
comparable with the pain that you feel in your elbows and yet I have no plans
to stop running any time soon. To
deprive me of running would deprive me of access to my innermost soul.
I hugged the beer bottle as I carried it to
the car, a very special beer that was inspiring me to think deeply about you
and about me…
As I drove home, I started thinking about
the reason why our relationship is so different from the relationship that I
have with the other huskies. I have
known them since they were born. I have
watched them grow from suckling puppies into adult dogs, taught them right from
wrong and shared my world with them. We
have run thousands of miles together and laughed and cried together. We have shared some awful experiences and we
have shared some glorious experiences.
They have never been short of food or love, and from the day they arrive
on the planet they were destined to spend the rest of their lives with me. We will never know all that you endured
before you were rescued and when you arrived here the plan was always to make
you better and then send you onwards to another home for the rest of your life.
But fate threw you a cruel blow. As the extent of your disabilities became
clear, we knew that you would ultimately spend the rest of your life with us. I did not realize how much this decision
would impact our lives and I am ashamed to say that sometimes we have struggled
and sometimes I feel as if you are a visiting dog and not one of the pack. I do not trust you as I trust the others, but
it is not your fault that this fog hangs over your head. One day I will tell you the story about a
very special little dog. He and I started writing a magical fairytale, but
sadly it never reached the “happy ever after” ending that I dreamt of. However the storybook has remained open ever
since and his legacy is what brought you into our lives.
As I drove home I made a vow to return to
the story book and bring this fairytale to an end with the most beautiful and
happy ever after….
The next morning I allowed you to run with
Kroi and your happiness said it all. You
were tired from the sheer efforts of the run but you looked happy and since
then when you have run with Kez or with Kroi you have shouted with excitement
before the start and smiled every step that you have run. I will ignore the naughty parts about trying
to shoulder charge Kez. You were not
blessed with a working ethic, running is purely about having fun for you and
that is ok. We don’t need to run ultras
together, we can just have fun!
I don’t need to understand, I just need to
accept you for and be inspired by your outlook on life. The simple things in life give you pleasure:
a fluttering butterfly; a leaf blowing in the wind or a splash of water. We sprint for no reason that I can understand
and we stop for no reason that I understand, but you do. You sometimes appear to chase nothingness,
motivated by some internal force that only you are aware of.
This week I was reminded just how motivated
you are when it comes to racing bikes, trains and other mechanical inventions,
probably more so than a deer or a rabbit!
The speed you took off at when the stranger on a bike appeared on the
bridle way in front of us was nothing short of spectacular. I did not try to stop you, just tried to keep
up and try to reduce the tension on the line between your harness and mine. As we neared the river I was sure that you
would stop as I believed that water was your first love. You did not stop, but flew past both fords at
breakneck speed. I smiled a lot on that
run as you were clearly having great fun and I was very much not in control of
that situation!
This week you ran again in the dream team,
for a full mile. Not only was it your
fastest ever mile, it was also mine.
Together we achieved something that neither of us had ever done before
and so very close to the dream Sub 4 minute mile.
Thank you Spike, you have inspired me to believe
again. With the help of our friends you
and I can together write the most beautiful fairytale that will leave a lasting
legacy for others to follow.
Sandra xx
