Long distance running requires heart and mind to work together. Leave either one at home and the effort required to run becomes a momentous and torturous affair.
On Saturday I forgot to pack both my heart and mind and in doing so questioned my ability as a successful ultra runner.....
Marlborough Downs Challenge, a 33 mile run across the beautiful Wiltshire countryside. It was my first ever ultra distance run several years ago, and I have always remembered it with very fond memories. The first time I ran this race the rain was incessant for the majority of the run. I have never been so cold or so wet in any race that I have ever run. On that day, my Camelbak rubbed a hole in my shoulder that resulted in a scar, which remains with me to this day. A scar that I smile at every time I saw it, memories of a proud achievement and the start of my journey into the world of ultra running.....
My plan for running it in 2012 was quite simply to enjoy the run and to trial my new Rehband ankle brace in a distance further than 10k.
The good news is that my ankle brace stood up to the challenge very well, and my ankle did not cause me hugely significant problems until after I had finished the run.
The bad news is that this was one run that I definitely did not enjoy. This frustrates me more than any of the physical pain my ankle frequently throws at me. Running to me is not about times or placings, it is about the emotional success and enjoyment of the journey. The sheer pleasure at pushing one's body and feeling it respond. Taking inspiration from my surroundings and connecting deeply with my innermost thoughts. Body and mind working in harmony to give me what I frequently lose in the whirlwind that is life.
It is unusual these days for me to attend an ultra event on my own, without Ian and without the dogs. Leaving them at home and feeling immense sadness as I drove to Marlborough should have been a warning sign that my run was not going to be the happiest......
Seeing friends on the start line and along the course gave me flashes of happiness, always good to connect with a fellow being, whether it be another runner or a marshal giving up hours of their time to help and support the runners. The marshals on this race are particularly friendly and happy people, I remember this from years gone by and was delighted to see that it still remains the same in 2012.
Trudging through the mud in the first 6 miles, I was glad that I had opted for my Fuji Attacks, providing just enough grip to keep me upright and allow me to jump from one side of the track to the other in search of sold ground. My tumble later in the race was solely down to my indecision. A last minute change of course resulted in me leaving my left foot behind and down I went....
It usually takes me at least 6 miles to “get into” a run and so I was not too worried the fact that I was struggling and ready to quit at the second checkpoint. Have a gel, relax on the uphill and before long I would be flying, inspired and motivated, or so I hoped.
Didn't happen. No flying moment and no happy butterflies fluttering within my belly. Just a dull ache in my ankle, my knee and my stomach. Not sure what I eat the day before, but best I try to remember and avoid it in the future.
Reaching the canal section around 12 miles, I was losing the fight to continue. Everything felt wrong in my body, no energy, no spark and no desire. As I ran along the canal path I remembered Country to Capital 45 and the emotional journey that I endured. I was supposed to run Country to Capital with Kez. I did not as he was badly injured following the attack. I remembered how we nearly lost Kez and then I remembered all that came before and after the attack. Of how the “woo, woo” dog no longer lives amongst us and how much I miss him. The tears were flowing as I ran along the canal and I came very close to stopping at each point where a path led from the canal. Just keep plodding I told myself, just get to the next checkpoint....
And I did make it to the next checkpoint, where I received the most welcoming smile and words of enthusiasm from one of the marshals. He recognised me and told me how nice it was that I had come back to run the race. I do not remember his name, but I remember his face and that we had spoken before. I will forever remember his saving words. He had no idea that I was considering quitting, but his very personal words were all it took to stop me quitting there and then. I couldn't let him down....
I managed to eat some food as the route exited Devizes, chocolate spread and soft squidgy rolls consumed during a leisurely walk up a little hill. I willed the essential nutrition to remain with me and give me the energy that I needed.
I was finding that any running pace required a phenomenal amount of effort. My breathing felt uncomfortable, my chest tight and my nose would not stop running - it was the only part of me that seemed to be capable or running at a consistent pace!
I thought a lot about Kobi and all the other dogs. I thought of Ian, back home working after hopefully running another parkrun on his way to his much sought after 100 club jacket.
But mostly I thought of Kade. Kade's life force is ebbing away. Every day he weakens and every day we fear tomorrow may be his last. He struggles on in his fight with age, and we give him all we can to help his fight. But it is a battle that ultimately has only one outcome and we are the ones that will need to help him. Kade has been such an amazing little person his entire life. From the day we first met he captured my heart and held onto it very tightly. He taught me so much of what I know about endurance running and never giving up. He taught me to run when others would have walked, he helped me understand and interpret sounds and sights in the countryside. A brilliant little hunter I was forever marvelling at his skills of knowing precisely where to pounce in the patch of grass to the side of the track. I was forever trying to be one step ahead of him, to ensure he had his fun but with no loss of mouse or shrew life.....
Kade has always refused to give up on something once his mind is set upon it. Every time I thought of Kade, I dug deeper and remembered. No way was I giving up on this run. No matter what it took, I would get to the finish at Marlborough Leisure centre. Even when I had to resort to walking on flat sections to prevent valuable nutrition from escaping, I refused to contemplate the dreaded DNF.
Upon reaching Avebury, I anticipated inspiration and motivation. The finish line of the Ridgeway Challenge, surely it would give me the kick that I needed.....
Not so. I reached Avebury and there was nothing. The Ridgeway Dream disappeared in a cloud of smoke, just like a candle blown out by the wind. I was so wrapped up in my internal demons that the dream world was unattainable. If I cannot comfortable run 33 miles, how can I possible even consider running 85 miles, never mind run it in under 16 hours.
Not so. I reached Avebury and there was nothing. The Ridgeway Dream disappeared in a cloud of smoke, just like a candle blown out by the wind. I was so wrapped up in my internal demons that the dream world was unattainable. If I cannot comfortable run 33 miles, how can I possible even consider running 85 miles, never mind run it in under 16 hours.
Overcome with a sense of failure and inability to achieve my own goals and dreams, I crawled up the hill out of Avebury. Desperately fighting the urge to stop and have a little snooze on the grass at the side of the track, the tears flowed again and I was overcome with very negative thoughts. The small incline felt more like a mountain and my breathing as I walked felt so uncomfortable that I thought oxygen would be required by the time I reached the top.
I was rewarded for my mountainous effort. The top of the hill was also something else....
I found myself standing on The Ridgeway. Turn left and I would be heading to Ivanhoe Beacon and the start of The Ridgeway, turn right and within 1.8 miles I would reach the end of The Ridgeway. Continuing on the correct route for today's event would take me off The Ridgeway and across Fyfield Down, towards the finish approximately 5 miles away.
I stood still for a few moments and tried desperately to feel the dream.....
I would love to say that this story had a happy ending – that I found deep inspiration, leapt forward and “sprinted” all the way to the finish..... Sadly I tried to do this, but it didn't quite happen that way. My normal effortless running continued to evade me, yes I picked up the pace and I ran my fastest miles of the entire run, but they were hard and uncomfortable and not how I normally run in the latter section of a run. However, what did happen was indeed a reality check....
33 miles with a sore knee, sore ankle, upset stomach, nausea, breathing difficulties, constantly running nose...... perhaps the facts in front of me should not be ignored....
Perhaps my ultra running days are not quite over!!
Written with gratitude to all the marshals, and runners that helped me along the way. To Mark, Pete, Martin, and Kate for their words of support. To Bryony for my life saving milkshake and cup of coffee and to Kirsty for her hug and amazing words and ideas of support... And to all the others that helped me survive a bad run and remember who and what I am....
(Photo of Cherhill White Horse kindly reproduced thanks Sw8 & Wikipedia)
