Thursday 26 June 2014

Chasing dreams with Spike...


Dear Spike,

Did you know that there is a beer that has been created with someone like you in mind?  I found this beer the other day and the description on the label of this bottle of beer had a very profound effect on me.  I stood reading the label thinking of you and the tears rolled down my face.

For as long as I can remember, I have always had an exceptional bond with every animal I have ever lived or worked with.  Rabbits, ducks, chickens, ponies and Siberian Huskies I have always had a very deep connection built on trust, understanding and respect of how that being lives, what it loves what it hates.  Knowing what motivates them has allowed me to do things with them that have taken me beyond my wildest dreams.

I believed that I could not connect with you because I did not understand you.  That you live in a world far removed from mine and while our life together in the husky and human family is harmonious, no special bond exists. 

I recently started fearing that by trying to include you in one of my extreme dreams I was trying to turn you into something that you are not.  Ask you to do something that perhaps you were not capable of.  And so, induced by fear of your ability and my ability, I stopped trying.  I started believing the worst and that both our physical impairments were declining such that some dreams would never be…..

I wondered around for a few days with my mind in a dark place.  I felt guilt about what I was asking you to do and felt sadness for myself as I acknowledged the situation regarding my ankle.  The mind demons came out to play and I let them chase away the little angels of my mind.

I tried to rationalize and not give up completely, perhaps there was still hope.

As long as my mind could cope with my own pain, I could still train towards my dream but without you in the dream team. Giving up on dreams is always very hard, and while I tried to change the dream and pursue it without you, the inspiration to do so lessened, my heart felt heavy and my wings dampened.
       
As I continued training I became aware of a change in you.  Your eyes lost their sparkle and your enthusiasm each day dropped, you struggled to eat and no longer looked like you were enjoying life.  You still ran, but not with the same energy or determination.  You interacted less with the other members of the dream team and your attention seeking behavior became worse.  I did not see that at the time, I just heard yappy barking that continued until I got cross and then you continued some more.  But the reality was that you were desperate for my attention and when you barked and I responded you dashed off with a smile on your face.  The back chatting was just the same, fighting for my attention in the way you know best.    

We decided that your condition must be deteriorating and that daily pain medication was now the next step.  Your almost instant response to the first dose of medicine was completely unexpected and the resultant destruction of several lengths of hosepipe and numerous manic dashes around the house had us believe that the pain relief was working and we had a solution.

We continued for several days and it was clear that you had more energy, but still your eyes were not sparkling.  We still ran little easy runs together, but something was definitely still missing.

And that is when I found myself in the beer aisle of Waitrose…
 
As I read the words on the bottle of beer and thought of you, a crescendo of activity occurred deep inside my mind and body.  I don’t need to understand your behavior; I just need to accept that you do what you do because you want to.  You led a very different life before we met; a life of pain and suffering and close to death when you were rescued.  Perhaps sometimes you do things just because you are happy to be alive.  You clearly love being around people and love doing things that are fun.  And what if I had got it wrong and I was contributing to your sadness by giving up on you and not allowing you to be part of the dream team?  What if you also have dreams….. 

If you did not want to run, then you would not.  The pain in my ankle is probably comparable with the pain that you feel in your elbows and yet I have no plans to stop running any time soon.  To deprive me of running would deprive me of access to my innermost soul.

I hugged the beer bottle as I carried it to the car, a very special beer that was inspiring me to think deeply about you and about me…

As I drove home, I started thinking about the reason why our relationship is so different from the relationship that I have with the other huskies.  I have known them since they were born.  I have watched them grow from suckling puppies into adult dogs, taught them right from wrong and shared my world with them.  We have run thousands of miles together and laughed and cried together.  We have shared some awful experiences and we have shared some glorious experiences.  They have never been short of food or love, and from the day they arrive on the planet they were destined to spend the rest of their lives with me.  We will never know all that you endured before you were rescued and when you arrived here the plan was always to make you better and then send you onwards to another home for the rest of your life.

But fate threw you a cruel blow.  As the extent of your disabilities became clear, we knew that you would ultimately spend the rest of your life with us.  I did not realize how much this decision would impact our lives and I am ashamed to say that sometimes we have struggled and sometimes I feel as if you are a visiting dog and not one of the pack.  I do not trust you as I trust the others, but it is not your fault that this fog hangs over your head.  One day I will tell you the story about a very special little dog. He and I started writing a magical fairytale, but sadly it never reached the “happy ever after” ending that I dreamt of.  However the storybook has remained open ever since and his legacy is what brought you into our lives.

As I drove home I made a vow to return to the story book and bring this fairytale to an end with the most beautiful and happy ever after….    
 
The next morning I allowed you to run with Kroi and your happiness said it all.  You were tired from the sheer efforts of the run but you looked happy and since then when you have run with Kez or with Kroi you have shouted with excitement before the start and smiled every step that you have run.  I will ignore the naughty parts about trying to shoulder charge Kez.  You were not blessed with a working ethic, running is purely about having fun for you and that is ok.  We don’t need to run ultras together, we can just have fun! 

I don’t need to understand, I just need to accept you for and be inspired by your outlook on life.  The simple things in life give you pleasure: a fluttering butterfly; a leaf blowing in the wind or a splash of water.  We sprint for no reason that I can understand and we stop for no reason that I understand, but you do.  You sometimes appear to chase nothingness, motivated by some internal force that only you are aware of.

This week I was reminded just how motivated you are when it comes to racing bikes, trains and other mechanical inventions, probably more so than a deer or a rabbit!  The speed you took off at when the stranger on a bike appeared on the bridle way in front of us was nothing short of spectacular.  I did not try to stop you, just tried to keep up and try to reduce the tension on the line between your harness and mine.  As we neared the river I was sure that you would stop as I believed that water was your first love.  You did not stop, but flew past both fords at breakneck speed.  I smiled a lot on that run as you were clearly having great fun and I was very much not in control of that situation!   
This week you ran again in the dream team, for a full mile.  Not only was it your fastest ever mile, it was also mine.  Together we achieved something that neither of us had ever done before and so very close to the dream Sub 4 minute mile. 

Thank you Spike, you have inspired me to believe again.  With the help of our friends you and I can together write the most beautiful fairytale that will leave a lasting legacy for others to follow.


Sandra xx

Saturday 14 June 2014

The trouble with Spike and I....

Running with the team
I love to run and Spike loves to run and if life was straightforward then this would never be a problem and we would run together forever….

Sadly life is not that straightforward and as a result of certain events in our past lives, both of us have some chronic issues that cause us significant pain and psychological problems on a daily basis.  But please do read on because this is a happy story….
In the early days of life with us

However, before we start all the happy stuff, I would like to make a confession.  I have not always been Spike’s biggest fan and have found him a very difficult dog to work with.  When we agreed to adopt him I made a commitment that I am determined to fulfil.  Life with Spike is fun but it is also very stressful.  He has psychological issues that I struggle to manage as I don’t understand them.  I don’t know what drives him and it is very hard to know if the decision that I make for him is the best one.  With every other dog that I have lived with I have never had to make such decisions, they make them for me and I just do as they ask.  When we are out running and they suddenly run by my side or turn their head to me I know they are not happy and I do what must be done.  I don’t have this relationship with Spike and have to guess when enough is enough.  When we run together he sets the pace I just follow along…  I don’t understand why he chases his tail and attacks sweeping brushes.  I don’t know why he shouts and screeches so much or why he loves strangers so much, but perhaps the reality is that I don’t need to understand, I just need to accept that he does.
Our first official sub 5 minute mile in Poole

It is no secret that I have had a dream to run a Sub 4 minute mile for a very long time.  Siberian Husky assisted mile I must add as the current word record for a female to run a mile is 4 minutes and 12 seconds! 

I would love to run 3:59 with Spike for a great number of reasons, but I genuinely do not know if he is capable of sustaining that speed for a full mile and recently I completely gave up on the dream where he was part of the team.  Although I had been training with him, I decided to drop him from the team and concentrate on running with the two brother huskies instead.  The result was that I got faster and the bond between the two brother huskies and I deepened.  When running at the speeds we have been training at the relationship between human and dog(s) gets stronger with each run.  Frequently during those training sessions I am running well under sub 4 minute mile pace, attached to two dogs capable of pulling 6 times their own weigh with ease.  I weigh just over 50kg and they both weigh around 25kg, you do not need to be a mathematician to work out what that means….

Basically I am relying on trust when I run at speed with them.  I need to know that together we can react as a team to any situation thrown at us – whether it is a rabbit in danger of losing its life, an off lead dog, hole in ground etc.  Trust is something that Spike and I together have yet to master.

A happy Spike
So opting for the easy option I chose to progress my Sub 4 minute mile training with Kez and Kroi.  The result was that my times got quicker, but Spike started becoming depressed.  Although he was still running most days he was no longer part of the main team and his behaviour changed.  For a while we just assumed that it was a sign that his condition was worsening and his running days were almost over.  In January we were forewarned that his life expectancy would be 6-9 months and 4 months later it was sort of expected.

I guess Spike refuses to accept this diagnosis, a bit like me and my ankle situation…..

As I said earlier, we made a commitment when we agreed to adopt him.  We would give him the best life possible and keep him happy for as long as possible.  He was clearly not happy and was getting really upset when I went off running with the others.  So we decided to give him another chance. 
The plan was simple, I would run him with Kroi on a one mile route and if he could keep up without showing any signs of distress then we would bring him back into the “Dream Team”….

And so at 4:15 am one day this week we dragged ourselves out of bed and headed over to the trail that we have been practising on lately.  Ian set off down the trail with Kez and I waited with Spike and Kroi.  After 2 minutes I said “let’s go” and off they went.  First quarter of a mile is uphill, but we covered it in 1 minute and 1 second.  Then a further ascent and two blind 90 degree turns to cope with before the final 1/3 of a mile which includes a gentle decline.  The two turns slowed us down dramatically, but as we exited the second I could see Ian and Kez and knew that we were going to catch them before the one mile point.  I then had to make the decision as to try and overtake which would slow us down considerably or just stop when we reached them.

I opted for the overtake manoeuvre.... placing all my trust in Kroi to take us safely past and that Spike would happily follow.
As Kroi ran alongside his brother he looked over to him, made eye contact and started slowing down.  I took a very deep breath and told Kroi to “go on”, and he did.  He flew past Kez taking Spike and me with him.   I summoned all my physical strength and tried desperately to keep up and Spike ignored Kez and tried to obey me and Kroi.
With the Huskies Running team

It worked.  Our last ¼ mile was four minute mile pace precisely.  Our overall time was 4:21 but to finish at the pace we did I truly believe that a flat and straight course will easily help us lose us 10 seconds, but can it help with the rest?  I do not know the answer but I am willing to give it a go, with Spike…

And since this run Spike has started smiling again.  He is clearly not yet ready to give up running with his friends and I still believe I can live the dream J