When a dream requires divine intervention...

Setting challenges is easy.  Creating dreams requires a little more work with lots of emotional attachment and sometimes divine intervention is required. 

I like creating dreams.  It is something I have done since I was a child.  Dreams have helped me escape from the reality of life at times and they have helped propel me into action.  Dreams inspire me, motivate me and make my heart and mind soar.

Challenges are logical, measurable and generally require planning in order to be achieved.  Challenges can be simple or difficult but the more difficult ones can either make you or break you.

Most challenges are achievable with hard work and determination.  Dreams can be lived, but some are destined to forever remain a dream.

You can have one dream or lots of dreams, or no dreams at all.  Some people never dream and only ever set themselves challenges.   There is no right or wrong, it is all about what works for you.

I only have one dream just now all other dreams have been gently wrapped in cotton wool and safely stored in the hippocampus within my mind for future retrieval.  

For now I am working on challenges.  These daily challenges are what get me up in the morning and continually deny my mind the self-pity that it craves.  Most are simple little challenges and when I achieve them my little mind demons are temporarily silenced.

But sometimes those little mind demons start shouting and it takes a greater effort to silence them.  To sit and listen to them is not an option.  I did that once before.  I listened to them and believed what they told me.  They made me become someone that I do not want to ever be again.  Thankfully I had a very special guardian angel that helped me kick the butts of those little demons and in doing so it taught me a very valuable lesson in life.  I learned how to manage those little demons and have never forgotten how important early recognition and action is. 

My action now is to set myself a physical challenge each day to silence the grumblings.  When I could run it was easy, just pop on my trainers and head out the door.  Not being able to run or even walk means that I have to be a little more creative with my challenges, and more planning is required.

Running in rain is fun, select the correct trainers and mud can be safely negotiated.  My wheelchair does not cope with wet or with mud.  Hands slip, wheels spin and forward movement is a tortuous affair.  Crutches are a little bit easier to manage in the rain, but more than a couple of minutes use is painful for my entire body and puts excessive strain on my right leg and hands. 

I have never been a fan of running on tarmac and have always chosen to run on trails or grass where possible.  The scenery is more inspiring and nature lives all along the trails, in the hedge grows and the fields around.  My creative mind comes alive when I run in the countryside, away from people and man made things.  I lose my worries, my fears and self-doubts and I dream.  I create amazing images and thoughts in my mind all with vibrant colour.  Most of my creations will forever remain locked in my mind, but some emerge into the real world and become dreams that I chase.

I can only work with my wheelchair on tarmac or very hard packed surfaces.  Places where people work or drive every day.  My exposure to wildlife is mostly limited to slugs, snails and wasps eating the fallen rotting apples on one section of track.  Yesterday I did come across a very little shrew, but the shrew was lying on its back and definitely not sleeping.

I am enjoying my daily wheelchair challenges.  From learning how to control it to getting better at powering it, each day has taught me something.  I have devised a little training plan and it is very rewarding to see and feel the improvements.  On day one I could only manage 20 minutes effort and had to stop several times.  Yesterday as part of a 95 minute adventure I managed to negotiate a 1.4km continuous ascent with only two little stops.  Both times I got really stroppy because the chair was pulling badly to one side as a result of a very awkward road camber.    

I have become more respectful of those that spend long times in a wheelchair.  Prior to my experience I had never imagined how difficult it is to power and control a wheelchair.  I have absolutely no idea how the sporting elite wheelchair users can cover the distances that they do and in the times that they do it.  I struggle to move faster than slow walking pace on a relatively flat paved or tarmac surface.

Having a wheelchair has given me mobility and freedom that I do not have with crutches, especially in the house.  I can prepare dinner, safely transport items around even prepare and manage husky dinners for four!

Challenges are good and rewarding when achieved.  But I cannot forget that one dream that I feel and breathe each every day.  I have known for over a decade that the day would one day come when I would no longer be able to run.   But I don’t want it to be now I am not ready.  I have too many dreams and that I want to live.
(all photos thanks to Ian J Berry who helps me live my dreams and achieve my challenges)

The Novice Guide to a temporary life on one leg

Most of us have experience of walking or running with some sort of restricted capability of our lower limbs.  Whether the restriction is as a result of pain management from a minor or serious injury, the result is either limping or adapted movement to manage pain and protect the perceived weakness in the affected limb.

I am very experienced in limping.  It is something I have done to varying degrees since I was thirteen years old.  My body has coped very well with the physical challenges I have imposed on it, but as I get older the over compensation injuries get worse.  From hip to knee to foot, they have all suffered over the years in my never ending self-discovery quest.

Without the help of an amazing physiotherapist and a genius orthopaedic surgeon I probably would have been forced to stop running a long time ago.  Physical pain gets harder to manage as I get older and my body takes longer to recover.

However, when limping is not an option and you find yourself with very strict instructions not to put any weight on one foot for a prolonged period of time, normal life becomes very difficult.

However, adapting to change and perceived problems in a positive way is one way I believe that we can evolve into greater beings.  Seize opportunities when we can and have some fun along the way.

Here are some of my top tips to a temporary life on one leg:

      If you can, hire or buy a second-hand wheelchair

A wheelchair allows the “good” leg to rest and if you get a self-propelled one you can achieve a great upper body workout.  Having a wheelchair in the house also allows you to prepare and cook dinner and also to safely transport a cup of coffee (or beer) from one room to the next.

We found a fabulous local mobility shop with an extremely helpful owner.  He allowed us to have a nearly new wheelchair for a cheaper than hire price.

Wear gloves when using a wheelchair or crutches for longer than 15 minutes.

Padded fingerless fitness gloves are best for crutches and padded gloves with full thumbs for wheelchair use.  I learned the hard way and got myself a couple of huge blisters on my thumbs when I used the fitness gloves without thumbs for first wheelchair adventure.

Do not negotiate stairs on crutches after a few beers.

I probably don’t need to explain this one!  All I will say is that no further physical injury has been sustained in the learning of this lesson.  Only my pride was hurt.  Please also refer to number 9 for guidance on how best to manage this situation….

Put padded tape on the handles of your crutches.

Good quality bike handle bar tape is the best.  I applied it to my crutches after my last operation 5 years ago and it is still going strong.

Teach yourself balancing tricks and body awareness using crutches.

Someone suggested that I tried break dancing on my crutches and although they were only joking it did get me thinking….  Since then I have spent time playing my crutches to see how the position of my body affects my stability.  I started by trying to lift both feet off the ground and remain motionless for as long as possible.  When I first tried it I managed less than one second.  Yesterday I managed nearly 5 seconds.

Limit your hopping.

Hopping can potentially propel the body forward very quickly.  I know this as I have been practising, BUT it does puts huge strain on the body and risks injury.  It also makes you look like a toadstool as the muscle development on the working leg and bum/ hip area gets greater and the bad leg gets weaker…
Today I hopped more than I should have in order to avoid the strain that the crutches were placing on my hands.  The result is that my whole body is aching, from neck to toe.  Please avoid being a silly billy like me.

Set yourself challenges SMART Objectives

By SMART I mean Simple Measurable and Realistic Timescales.  For example a sub4 minute mile in a wheelchair on a mostly uphill grass course is probably only achievable by a Paralympian.  Sub 30 minutes is possible for me.  The challenge of working towards achieving the objective gives the opportunity to devise a plan based on my running and fitness experience and it is fun learning new stuff like how to keep a wheelchair on a straight line when the camber is on your stronger side.  And once I crack the Sub 30 I will give myself a little pat on the back and then go for Sub 20…..

Use your bum and one crutch to open doors.

Sometimes people help a person on crutches by opening doors, but mostly they don’t and anyway there will be many occasions when no one else is around and you need to get into a room with a door.  Best technique for doors opening away from you is to use your butt to open it and then squeeze through the gap.  Outward opening doors should be approached with great caution and when you do open it, wedge the crutch against the bottom of the door, but please take care that the rubber bit does not catch on the door and make you lose your balance.  If it does, whatever you do, do not allow the protected foot to hit the ground.  Sacrifice your knees if you need to. 

Do not crawl or get in/out of the batch without knee pads and shin guards.

My leg and knee currently resembled the legs of a polka dot pony.  Baths, wooden floors and stairs, and negotiating many other obstructions while kneeling or crawling has resulted in a rather large number of little bruises on my left leg and knee.  Full protection horse travel boots are my recommendation for this

Always remember others.

In the past two weeks there have been several occasions when I have nearly thrown all my toys out of the pram.  I get very frustrated at my temporary disablement and I erupt in an emotional mess.  But then I remember the amazing people out there that are forever disabled.  They raise their game and put us to shame with their heroic efforts each and every day.  And I also remember those that help me every day and whom without their help I would not be able to manage.

(all images courtesy of Ian J Berry and bloomingponies.co.uk)

10 days of rest and still smiling

It is now 10 day since I last ran.  For someone that normally runs at least once per day this has been very difficult.  Yes, I know all the train hard and recover philosophies and do abide by them, but my rest/ recovery days normally involve a very gentle jog or two.  I love to run, love the freedom that it gives me and the experiences that I have when I run.  I love the countryside and all its inhabitants, especially the ones that one meets during dawn runs.  

I normally run with Siberian Huskies, the epitome of endurance athletes who care not about medals or prizes or whether they are fat or not.  They run because they love to run, just like me.

Ten days ago I had surgery on my ankle and I am neither able, nor allowed to run.  I agreed to the operation because the daily pain had become too much to manage.  Hobbling every day was becoming troublesome and I needed to plan for the future.  This plan involved corrective action to halt deterioration of my ankle joint and also to correct all the over compensation injuries that I have experienced as a result of my body’s adaptation to 20 odd years of managing a chronic weakness.

My ankle was very badly damaged when I was 13 years old.  Due to an incorrect diagnosis it was not treated properly at the time and it was not until many years later that the full extent of the damage and subsequent deterioration within the joint was known.  In summary I smashed the joint and cut of the blood supply within the talus bone.  Without blood and all that it carries, the body cannot regenerate and cannot repair itself.

But such is life.  With a damaged joint I have led a very privileged life.  I have run thousands of miles on this deformed ankle, run for my country and represented Great Britain.  I have run 100 miles in one go and run a mile in 4 minutes and 13 seconds with assistance from my awesome Siberian Huskies team.   All this has been possible thanks to the support of the people that I love and an inspirational Orthopaedic Surgeon.  They helped me believe in myself and in return I believed in me.

So here I am, ten days into an enforced rest that I agreed to.  The operation involved debridement and micro-fracturing, which in simple terms means drilling into the bone to make it bleed, fill the crater within, the blood helps repair the bone and create fibrocartilage, which although it is not as good as original hyaline cartilage it does provide a greater improved function for the affected joint.  A bit like a volcanic eruption and then the magma settles.  You cannot stand on the magma until it cools as it will crack and hurt!  So I cannot weight bear on my ankle at all for four weeks and then for 2-3 months I can only walk on it with the aid of cast/ boot and crutches.

The first week post operation was about pain management and acceptance of my physical limitations.  Acceptance that I am temporarily disabled and need help, I cannot manage on my own.  That bit has been the hardest.  I am fiercely independent and I find it hard to ask for help.  Thankfully Ian is the most amazing and supportive partner and is always there when I need help.  Pre operation once of my greatest concerns was how the dogs would cope with the situation.  Ian does run, but preferably not pre-dawn and not off road, two essential requirements when running with Siberian Huskies.  I would be exaggerating if I said Ian now leaps out of bed every morning and dashes out the door with a smile upon his face!  But he has run with the dogs most days and they are as content as I have ever seen them.  They are very happy with the fact that I am at home more and appear to understand my situation.  They are very respectful every time I move and have become even more affectionate than ever, especially the boss dude who is almost always by my side, wherever I am.

I work for an amazing company that have been very supportive and I have managed to do a little work post op - thankfully my Doctor was very obliging regarding the official H&S stuff when I explained my desire to continue working in my “restricted” and post op condition.

So how am I coping with the non-running bit?  I set myself some physical challenges each day and try to relate them to running.  I try to go further every day on my crutches and in my wheel chair.  Push myself to the point beyond where I went the day before.  Self-propelling a wheel chair and using crutches is hard, very hard.  It hurts muscles I have not used in years and muscles that one never uses when running.  I am so weak in the upper body that I am currently nowhere near a cardio vascular work out yet.  But when I get frustrated about this aspect I remember the nurse that spoke to me when I was in the recovery room following my recovery.  My resting heart rate was 35, so I guess I am not unfit, just under prepared J

But I have learned one thing in the past ten days that has saddened me.  Life as a disabled person is tougher that I could have ever imagined.  From the physical restrictions of pavements and shops to the attitudes of strangers when one is out and about.   I guess it is ignorance rather than intentional rude behaviour, but it is hard not to be reduced to tears by it.  When did humans get so engrossed in their own worlds that we neglected to consider the implications of our actions on others?  I implicate myself in this question because I am sure that I have in the past been as guilty as the next person.  Although I personally would never allow one of our dogs to jump up at a person on crutches, throwing them off balance, and consider it okay.

Another thing that I have learned, or rather been reminded of in this past week or so…. Beer is a more effective pain reliever than codeine.  For two days I was crippled with stomach pain taking the conventional drugs, when I reverted to my favourite beer, the pain disappeared and inspirational thoughts came forth….

Oh yes, I may be unable to run just now, but I can still dream and dreams are what propel us forward….

I got it wrong....

Prior to my recent ankle operation I thought a lot about how my temporary disability would affect our four dogs, three Siberian Huskies and one Special Husky.  The dogs that I either run or walk each and every day, both in the morning and in the evening, sometimes in between...  I was not worried about their exercise needs being met as I knew that Ian would help with that.  I just wondered how they would cope with the sudden and dramatic change to their lifestyle.  I have been surprised with what I have seen so far….

The one we call “Superbrat”,” boss dog” and “little s**t” has been the biggest surprise.  The dog that screams at the door pre 5am, demanding to go running, likes to run at supersonic speed and has the sort of attitude that most people would consider “arrogant” has hardly left my side.  He watches my every move and when I get up, so does he.  He sleeps on my good foot and follows me upstairs every time I struggle upstairs on crutches.  When not sleeping on my foot he comes to check up on me, many times a day.  Sometimes he just walks up to me, places his head on my lap and them walks away again.  His brother does the same.

His brother is a very nervous dog and while lying in the house will not allow anyone to step over him.  He leaps up and moves away.  Yet when I try to manoeuvre around him on crutches or wheelchair assisted he remains where he is, but tucks his feet out the way.  He hates being brushed and yet this week he has patiently stood or lie on the ground as I brushed him from a wheelchair.

Our eldest dog that struggles every day with breathing and disorientation has appeared to be very quiet and relaxed.  On such a hot day like today I feared he would be huffing and puffing all day long, but no, he was just slept in either the living room or kitchen with the odd little potter up to me to say hello. 

All three Siberian Huskies appear to have accepted the change and are very accommodating in managing their behaviour around me.  I have known these guys since the day they were born.  I guess they know me well and the trust and respect that I have given them is now being repaid in full.

Meanwhile, Spike is the one that I worry about.  We know that he does not cope well with change.  He likes routine and patterns, each and every day.  Feed him in a different spot and he will not eat.  Take him on a different route and he becomes fearful, holding back until his confidence is given a boost by his human companion.   Spike has experienced pain, trauma and surgery.  He has endured long rest periods and exercise restrictions that I would not enforce upon my worst enemy.  For some reason I thought that he would be the one that understood.

But I was wrong.  I need to keep reassuring him.  Cuddles and hugs help, but still he jumps at every opportunity – when I try to go past one crutches or in my chair.  He looks at me with a fearful expression on his face.  He does not understand and it scares him.  The others trust and respect me and know that whatever I do they will be okay, they have nothing to fear.  Spike has never known this level of trust and confidence and I feel very saddened about that fact.  I want to alleviate his fears and let him know that it is okay, he has nothing to worry about, but cannot because the connection that he and I have does not give that to him.

But that is okay, I can give him some extra hugs and try to explain to him how life is different now and it is okay.  One day soon we will run together, just like we used to :-)