The best bit about being injured.....

Yes, I can still drink beer....

Okay, truth be known, there is no such thing as “best bits” about being injured.  There are no best bits, it sucks.

And being disabled is so much harder to manage than just being injured.  The fact that I cannot presently run is the least of my worries.  At the moment I cannot lead a “normal” life.  I cannot do the things that I previously took for granted and that is pretty hard to accept.

I used to run up and down stairs; walk from room to room without hesitation; jump in the car and drive to the shops; exercise the dogs; walk around people with anonymity; be able to wear whatever I wanted…. The list goes on, but I guess you get my drift.

At the moment I hobble around in a CAM walking boot with crutches or a walking stick to help me along the way.  It is very noticeable that I am “not normal” and it has amazed me how this condition affects those around me.  Some people go out of their way to help me while others appear to regard me as an inconvenience that may get in their way and ruthlessly cut me up.  And then there are those that are just downright rude, obnoxious and treat me like I have the Ebola Virus….

I found myself in the middle of a shop today close to tears as a result of the frustration that I am feeling and the rudeness of several members of the public.  I wanted to stand there and scream out that I was still ME.  But it would have fallen on deaf ears and they would have possibly questioned my sanity and whether I perhaps needed some help…..

I am still "ME|", I promise!!!

And then I suddenly thought of all the people out there that struggle to cope with injury or ailment within their minds.  My situation is very visual as I have a huge “moon boot” type thing on my lower leg and crutches to lean upon.  There are others that silently suffer while others around them struggle to know what to do.  Should they be sympathetic; tough; or indifferent?  How does one manage a situation when they see a loved one suffering from an illness hidden deep inside?

There are no miracle cures to injury or illness, whether it is in the mind or in the body.  The recovery process is long and it is slow, but it is not without reward.  The light at the end of the tunnel can be a very bright light, but boy is there a deep darkness to wade through before one reaches that light!

A very special walking stick

The majority of people in this world are wonderful examples of humanity.  Sympathetic and helpful while accepting of those that are in a vulnerable position and need some help.

And now for the best bit….

Minutes after I nearly broke down in tears today I met a very old man walking with a stick that had the head of a Labrador dog engraved on the top of it.  As our eyes met, he smiled at me with my crutches and “moon boot” and told me that not so long ago he had two sticks and now he only needed one.  No matter how bad it appears to be, there is always hope.  Hope and a belief that the future is very bright indeed J

Broken dreams.. or just temporal displacement?

Just a flesh wound... Let's go running!!

When I was 13 years old I sustained an injury that ultimately would help me to live dreams beyond my wildest aspirations and also live nightmares beyond my wildest fears….

As a result of the injury I learned how to manage extreme pain.  I also taught myself to never give up and when it hurts dig deeper.  Conventional advice is that when you feel pain, stop.  If I stopped every time I felt pain then I would never leave my bed.  I would just lie there and feel sorry for myself.  But that is not who I am.  Rightly or wrongly I do not stop when I feel pain and my body just has to manage the decision that my mind has made. 

This strategy has worked well for me for most of my life.  Without it I would not have achieved all that I have, both professionally and personally.  I would never have run ultras, represented Great Britain at World Championship events and I certainly would have never run a mile in 4 minutes and 13 seconds.

But sometimes I get it wrong.

After almost a lifetime of managing the pain and weakness in my left ankle, my right foot started objecting with a vengeance just over one year ago.  I was referred to a brilliant consultant who wanted to help me alleviate the “new” pain by fitting nuts and bolts in my right foot.  He wanted to help the foot that had coped with the strain of compensating for a poorly left ankle across thousands of miles.  I considered the options, the prognosis and the consequences of undergoing the surgery.

The best we got, so far...

While this was going on I commenced my sub 4 minute mile quest in earnest.  Knowing that Spike was running out of time I became focussed on achieving the seemingly impossible while he could be a part of the team.  Regularly running sub 4:20s on an undulating and semi technical course we were very close and the next step was to find a fast course and “go for it”.  Then I sustained a relatively minor injury to my left knee that changed my bio mechanics and affected my running style.  As I tried to adapt to my new running style the pain in my “good” foot increased and I tried to ignore it and run through the pain.

And then nearly four weeks ago the pain suddenly intensified and I found myself unable to fully weight bear.  Running ground to a halt and walking became a strange hobbling gait trying to avoid any pressure on my big toe.  I contacted the doctor and he confidently prescribed drugs to allow me to “continue a normal life”.  I do not like taking drugs, but was so desperate to ease the pain that I agreed and to my delight, they did indeed help make the pain more manageable and limping became easier.   But there were a few consequences of taking the drugs and I chose to stop taking them.  I also did not feel comfortable trying to ignore the fact that something “bad” was clearly happening in my foot.  Instead I opted for a combination of crutches and heavy limping to try and maintain a “normal” life.  

Yes, beer does work better than prescription drugs

I was given a CAM Walker Boot by a good friend and suddenly I could sort of walk again!  In my world it was Heaven.

The pain eased a little, but then quite literally overnight the location of the pain changed.  I woke up at 2 am to visit the bathroom one morning and as I stepped out of bed the pain intensified, this time on the top of my foot near the ankle joint.

I contacted the Doctor again and he arranged to see me.  His diagnosis was overcompensation injury caused by limping.  A change in prescription drugs and he would see me in a month’s time…. 

       

But the pain was still there and two weeks ago it suddenly intensified furthermore.  I contacted the doctor and he told me to persevere with the drugs and if it did not improve in a week he would arrange an x-ray.

2 days later and unable to manage the pain any longer, I called the Doctor again and he agreed to refer me for an x-ray at A&E in order to rule out a fracture.

Sadly the second part did not happen.  Two fractures were confirmed on the x-ray: one in the big toe joint and one in the shaft of the second metatarsal, near to the top.

Crutches & boots, my new World for now..

The Hospital Doctor wanted to put all of my lower leg in cast, I was almost tempted to agree to a pretty red and black one, but then I remembered the consequences of wearing a cast for a long time…..

Ian helped me convince the Doctor at the Hospital that I could wear my CAM Walking Boot and crutches instead of a permanent cast.  We produced a good team effort argument and she agreed to our proposal and signed me over to the care of the Orthopaedic Consultant that knows me and wants to help.

Any why was I so desperate to have a removable cast?  In the past three weeks I have discovered the wonderful delights of aqua jogging and water therapy for pain relief.  Spike inspired me to give it a go and it works.  It helps with pain management and I can also exert myself without causing damage to any part of my body.  OK not strictly true as I do forget to hold my breath every now and again and it hurts my nose when a wave of water goes up it!

I will not lie or pretend that my current situation is easy to cope with.  I cannot walk without fear; drive; work normally; exercise the dogs or even go to the bathroom without having to plan for it.  Do I crawl, limp or strap on my boot?  Everything has to be managed differently and it is extremely frustrating.  Ian is working so hard to help and it is difficult for me to accept this as he already has way too much to manage, but I guess that is why team work is so important.  Without his help my World would be a very dark place.  The dogs have also been amazing.  They know something is wrong and two of them have become extremely protective over me.  After thousands of miles of running together they both know me very well and it is comforting to see how they respond when I am suddenly incapacitated and struggle to give them their basic needs.   

I do not know what the future holds for me from a running perspective.  I have always known that I was on borrowed time when I learned of the extent of the damage within my ankle and I have certainly already borrowed more than was due to me!!  This latest setback may be impossible to overcome in the way that I want to.  But whatever the future holds I make one promise to myself.  I will never give up on my dreams, well not the important ones anyway.

(Photos and motivation with grateful thanks to Ian J Berry)