Looking down from above...

I can no longer smell or touch them, but I can see and hear them.

They are my pack. A long time ago I led the way for them, through the good and through the bad. Now they have no leader and they stumble on. She takes good care of them and tries to fill the void I left behind, but she is not of their kind and there is only so much she can do. She fails to accept this and as I watch I am powerless to help or comfort her in the way I once did.

The pack has grown since I moved on, there is a young one that I know to be of my blood and there is a stranger that struggles to fit in with a life he was not born into.

There is also another two legged addition to the pack. He walks and talks with her and takes care of her in ways I could not. They speak more than we did, and he offers what I could not. They have a connection that bonds them together and I know she is safe with him.

I know she still misses me so. I see her look at my reflection upon the wall, a longing comes over her face. I can read her mind, know her thoughts. When I had to leave she was lost, and sadness almost overcame her. She did not want me to leave and struggled to cope, but she found a way. She still dreams of me, I can see her dreams, I cannot touch her but I am still here.

She wishes for that which cannot be. One day it will come true, but that day is a lifetime away.

I see my son, the black one as he has grown. He struggles now, his mind and body declining in strength. He still does fight the onslaught of age, weakening of a body once so strong. He is most definitely his father's son. OCD has become his daily life, it brings tears and yet smiles to her face, I see it all from up above.

My grandson, the grey one is also struggling. He always had his special little ways of looking at life. I taught her how to help him when he couldn't cope with some stresses in life. Her way made him worse, my way reassured him, gave him respite and built his confidence from a mind that over worked. She watched me do it, followed my example. Against all the advice of behavioural “experts” her instinct told me that I was the one that knew best.

My great, great grandson, the brown one I remember as a boy. When he first arrived in the pack, he was fearful and scared of even his shadow. As a pack we helped him grow, I took extra care to teach him the ways of a leader, hopeful that when I had to leave their world he would lead my pack. I ran out of time and he ran out of strength, it was not meant to be. He can do some of what leaders must do, but then he wobbles, confused and unsure. I watch him try to protect the harmony in the pack, yet sometimes he is the one that creates the disharmony. He tries to help her and mostly he does, but sometimes he cannot quite do the rest.

That fateful day as I watched from above, his confusion proved too much.

There is one within the pack, that I do not fully understand. A pale brown one, white face so full of expression. He arrived after I left, but was already of near adult size. He was very weak and timid when he first joined the pack. Hunger and neglect ravaged his small form. He had simple behaviour that threatened no one. The others accepted him as one of their own. The pale brown one shadowed the least confident member of the pack, the brown one, the one most bonded to her. I watched the pale brown one's confidence grow as guided by the brown one he fed off her confidence. When he was scared he looked to her and looked to the brown one for help. Together they helped him grow and thrive. A dog that had never before known love or trust, he learned both. His past life was bad, full of evilness directed by others to this little being. That badness contributed to that fateful day.

The dark grey one I know to be of my blood. He is young and full of life. He knows not yet how to respect others, believes in himself beyond what he should.... The others protect him, especially the brown one, yet at the same time the brown one is also the one who reprimands him most. He follows her lead and when she scolds the dark grey one, he scolds him too.

There is something very special about the dark grey one, he has an aura that the others do not have. He stands firm and tall and doesn't give up in what he believes in. He is smart and uses her to get his way, I think she knows what he is doing, I see her smile when he is not looking.

I saw them dancing the other day. The dark grey one is the only one that dances with her now. I used to dance with her before pain took over my weakening form. There is a song I remember well, that causes her eyes to water so and grief overcome her body. It was the last song we ever danced to. The words “wave goodbye, wish me well, you gotta let me go....” etched forever in both our minds.

I am proud of what she has achieved since I have gone. She struggles to accept herself, forever chasing something she will never ever find. It makes her who she is, but sometimes she doesn't remember enough.

The brown one is the one that knows I watch from above. I see him standing and staring, sitting and staring, following my moves. I know not if he sees me or just feels my presence. She watches him closely, refusing to believe, yet wanting to believe. She cannot explain it, but she knows him well. The bond they have is very strong. I watch them run for miles and miles. They do not need to speak, there is a connection that travels between them. Neither confident on their own, together they are a team that works like very few.

I wish I could tell them it will all be OK. I have the power to see where the pack's path does go. During her dreams I try to share, I cannot describe the journey to the destination, they must find that themselves. She sees these dreams and does believe.

When I first left my pack I travelled far, to find an old friend that I now share my new world with. Together we returned to watch the pack from up above. His true family once was a herd, but he preferred the pack and chose to stay with me as we lived in life.

My son will soon rise to join me once again, and together all three of us will watch over the pack.

Forever and ever, we will watch from above....

I remember, mostly I remember...

A list minute entry to Thames Trot 50, organised by Go Beyond Ultra. This event was a chance for some self retribution after the “non happy” ultra three weeks prior. Pride and elbow still hurting from my Country to Capital trip....

I had simply one objective for this run. To enjoy. Enjoy and in doing so, remember who and what I am.

For this reason, my training partners were all given a part to play in my trot along the Thames Path, from Iffley, Oxford to Henley on Thames.

The plan was to run one dog at a time, changing them where Ian could meet me – based upon road access to the Thames Path.

First up was Kez, from Iffley to Abingdon Lock. Due to a very congested group of 380 runners, and some very narrow paths, he was the dog of choice to start the run with. A complete master of interpreting the actions of human runners, I know to trust and follow him when slaloming among runners. I have learned to interpret his body language and if he is unsure about an overtaking manoeuvre he looks to me for encouragement. We work well as a team. Most of the time I do not even have to give him a command, he just knows.

This run was very traumatic for him at times. Still struggling with confidence since the attack, every time we saw another dog (of which there were many) he tensed, and hesitated, frequently coming to a standstill. With my help and encouragement be would run on by, usually at high speed. Sadly there were many off lead and out of control dogs that charged at him all day. I am extremely grateful to one of my fellow runners that almost resorted to kicking one such dog into the Thames after it has chased us, nipping at Kez's legs for more than ½ of one mile!

As we approached Abingdon, Kez started picking up the pace, sniffing the air and I knew Ian and the other dogs were close by. Through Abingdon Lock and there they were, Kobi and Kroi both keen to have a go running with “mum”. Ian handed me Kobi and we were off..... And then we stopped... to sniff the grass (by “we” I mean I stood by as Kobi did what dogs do). Then we started running again, and then we stopped as a runner approached us from behind and Kobi got scared..... And so this pattern continued for every mile that I ran with Kobi. He sensed my frustration, which I so desperately tried to hide. All our huskies, especially Kobi respond strongly to our moods, even when we try to act differently, they just know. One of the reasons I have such a strong bond and connection with the dogs is that I am as honest with them as possible, it is rare for me to pretend to them that I am something else, they always know!

I could not get cross with Kobi, I knew his behaviour was being driven out of fear. We had delayed his de sexing operation as long as possible as I believed that he would regress as a result of this surgery. The confidence we had spent so long trying to build since he was rescued would be taken away and need to be rebuilt again. My worst fears have been realised as not only has his confidence taken a battering, his trust and connection with me has been severely torn apart. I so wanted to prevent this happening, but this connection has to be changed in order for our pack to be harmonious. I do not belong to him alone and he has to share me with Kez and the other pack members.

I will not deny the affect that Kobi's behaviour had on me. I was ready to quit the race after 14 miles as my emotional strength was gone. I had failed in my duty to this little dog and it hurt badly.

Kobi and I were given the honour of carrying the Olympic Flame in the torch relay on 12th July 2012. If I cannot help him between now and then, neither of us will take part in the relay. There is no way that he can do it alone (he will need another dog by his side), but I do not know at this moment in time if he will be able to even do that. This dream I had is slipping away and I find that hard. I do not mind failing myself, but to fail another is a huge burden to bear. If he is not there, I will not be there.

When I reached the doggy handover point at Clifton Hampden Bridge, Ian was waiting and he knew from my face that I was in a bad place. He handed me Kroi, but I could not run. My energy had been completely drained from my body and I just wanted to crawl into the back of the car with all of the dogs. Ian tried to convince me not to give up, but I was not hearing his words, just feeling the pain of Kobi and what he has endured and had to cope with in his short life.

I know all too well the emotional consequences of DNF in a race. I did not care, it would be my punishment for letting my little boy down. Kobi looked happy now with his little pack, a few grizzles with Kez, but nothing that could not just be attributed to “boys talk”.

I could see that Kroi wanted to run, was keen to do what he loves doing, but my legs failed me. Then, Ian said the magic words, “go with Kroi, he is the future...” something about those words gave me the inspiration to provide power to my legs and I responded to Kroi's demands that we ran...

Once we were moving it did not take me long to find myself again. A husky's enthusiasm for running tends to have that effect!

We ran stride for stride for many miles, eating up the ground, catching up with other runners and striding on by. Kroi certainly is the future, but he is also the present. He is only 8 months old and full baby brother to the most amazing endurance athlete I have had the pleasure to run with, Kez. Together they will make an amazing team and I have a feeling that they will become rather famous – something that will please Kroi immensely as he is absolutely fascinated by people with cameras! He will happily run past other people and other dogs, even earning to switch off from “huntable” creatures when running, but put a camera in front of him and there is no way he will ignore it! He runs straight to them and just stands there... and for some reason the first section that I ran with him had four people with cameras..... boy that was fun trying to explain to people that he was only a baby and not a badly behaved dog!!

The other really funny thing that happened during my first run with Kobi was when I realised we were approaching Streatley. I suddenly recognised The Ridgeway on the other side of the Thames. It is no secret that I have very fond memories of The Ridgeway and that I have a very important objective upon it in August 2012... So when I realised where I was, I could not help myself in screeching the words “it's The Ridgeway” to my fellow runners! Those not wearing earphones looked at me blankly and I was rewarded for my enthusiasm by nearly falling over in the mud that was rapidly defrosting beneath out feet/ paws. I managed to stay upright and we reached the next check point. More delicious cake for me, and a few well deserved sausages for the puppy. He wanted the jelly babies, but I had to remain firm and “motherly” to his requirements!!

After Goring/ Streatley Bridge Kroi was replaced with Kez and off we headed to my most favourite section of the Thames Path....

Before I reached it I spoke with a lady with the most amazing leggings – they were pink and stripey and looked really cool. I complemented her and in return she complemented my Zensah pink calf sleeves. We spoke for a few minutes and as I ran on I had a feeling that we would speak again, something kinda clicked and I just knew.... Her parting words to me were to take care of my ankle on the next section (she knew the course from a previous run), there is no way she could have known about my ankle, but it felt kinda special that she made the point.....

I did indeed take care of my ankle during the next few miles, and took care of a few mind demons as well....

It is well known that I am a fan of hills, and suddenly I had some nice little mounds to run up and down. The foot of the Chiltern hills I believe, what fun I had. I was so tempted to turn around just to be able to run up and down them again....

It was around this point (around 30 miles) that I suddenly realised just how significant and beneficial my “alternative” training is. Running with two rebelious and competitive dogs at 5 am most days of the week has give me phenomenal leg strength. I have to use my quads to brake and although it hurts, it has given me very strong legs. All during the run and in the two days after, I have felt absolutely no pain or discomfort in my legs at all.

I reached Ian at Whitchurch on Thames where I handed over Kez and went solo as there was a road section for a few miles.

Kez then joined me again at Purley on Thames, where we continued until Shiplake where Kroi joined me for the final run in to Henley.

Anyone that knows me, will know that I always finish ultra events strongly, typically my last two miles are my fastest of the full race. On this day, that was not to be...

Kroi was fascinated by all the people that were out walking along the banks of the Thames. He wanted to speak to them all, play with all the children and dogs. He did not want to run at sub 7 minute mile pace! When I am running with dogs, their needs always come first, so I resigned myself to a casual run to the finish line. There is a boardwalk section that goes across the Thames, and then back again. Wooden boardwalks are not puppy friendly and his little paws kept on slipping between the slats – never in danger of hurting himself, it was still a very daunting experience for a baby husky. I nearly resorted to carrying him, but he soldiered on and we made it safely to the other side.

Lots of dogs to say hello to in the park, I could see the finish line but was powerless to pick up the pace until the last 100 yards when Kroi spotted cameras and raced towards them.

The end of a 50 mile run and another day of amazing experiences, good and bad. I cannot thank the organisers (Go Beyond Ultra) or my fellow runners enough. They were all so supportive and a pleasure to spend the day with. I shared time with old friends, and made new friends along the way.

So what comes next.... Kobi needs a lot of help, which we will give to him. Whatever it takes it whatever we will give.... And for my running? I think I realised a few things about myself on Saturday. A few things that I may have forgotten, courtesy of the stresses of everyday life. I am an ultra runner, it comes naturally to me and I have the most amazing training partners, support partner (that's you Ian) and amazing friends that I have met through my running.

I remember now and I don't intend on forgetting. I achieved my objective, plus a little bit more. The Thames Path now favours well in my memories and I would like to discover more of it.....

Dear Mummy: You would be so proud of me

Dear Mummy,

I have been trying really hard to be a good boy. When I get grumpy with Kez and the puppy, human mum and dad don't like it. Sometimes they put me in a big cage and close the door. I quite like the cage because I feel safe and they always give me a big treat to eat when I stop being grumpy. But sometimes the puppy is naughty and manages to trick me into leaving the treat near the side of the cage and then he steals it!

Kez doesn't run away from me like he did after I hurt him. He sometimes gets really grizzly and mutters under his breath, which winds me up cos I just want to be his friend. Sometimes he shivers as well, which I don't understand as he is a husky and should not feel the cold. He slept downstairs for the first time in ages last night, I liked that because I could sleep near him.

I have been going out with human dad on my own a lot recently. I like when he gives me lots of treats and takes me on exciting walks, but sometimes I get really scared because human mum and the other dogs aren't close by. When this happens I lay down on the floor and pretend I am somewhere else. Human dad has to wait a little while for me to stop pretending and then we go walking again.

The other day human mum took me all the way to her work. She had to take me because I didn't want to stay in my cage all day and human dad had to go to a special place to do some running stuff. Human dad is going to run all the way from the top of Scotland to the bottom of England on the road where cars go. I think he is silly cos there is so much grass and hills that he could use instead.

It was really exciting going to human mum's work, but I felt really scared when all the people she works with wanted to say hello to me. I don't know these people and shouldn't speak to them, but human mum got sad when I kept laying down and pretending I was somewhere else. I think she doesn't want me to play this game any more. She keeps telling me that I need to be a big brave boy and that no more bad people will ever hurt me again. I trust human mum, but sometimes I still get scared. Sometimes when I get scared I make bad smells too, and human mum had to drive back from work with a big jacket on and all the windows open. She kept on making weird noises too, which I thought was funny and tried to make my “woo woo” noise to join in.

One day human dad took me to the place where sick dogs go. I wouldn't leave him so he had to carry me in. He spoke nicely to me as a lady touched me and then I felt really sleepy....

When I woke up I was in a really weird place and there were strangers every where. I was so scared and wanted to be with human mum and all the rest of the family. I stayed in this scary place for ages and worried that I would never see my family again. The strange people tried to be nice to me, but I was so scared.

I was just about to try and find a way to escape, when I heard a familiar voice.... Human mum was in the next room! I was so happy. I still felt really sleepy, but I knew I would be safe now. Human mum gave me lots of cuddles and took me home to my bed where all my favourite toys were waiting for me when I stopped sleeping.

Since I went to the sick dog place, I have felt different. I felt really sleepy for a couple of days, but not as grumpy and irritable. I have been trying really hard not to upset Kez, or human mum and dad. They let me play more with the puppy and don't get all tense every time I walk over to Kez.

We went to a race the other day where there were lots of other dogs. I used to always run with Kez, but this time he stayed with human dad and human mum took me away on my own. The other dogs around me were all really noisy and I felt very scared. Human mum stayed beside me and kept telling me that I was a good boy so I didn't shout back at any of the growly noisy dogs.

We then got to run really quickly and I overtook lots of other dogs with their humans. I was faster than all of them and when I had gone by them I stopped, cos I though I had won the race. Human mum kept on trying to run so I tried to keep up with her but it felt weird as the only people and dogs were ones coming towards us! I felt really scared and wanted to lay down and hide in the long grass. Human mum wouldn't let me and I had to try and jog beside her.

Then a really big dog came charging at me and I lost my temper. Human mum wasn't happy when I lost my temper and she shouted at the big dog, and got between it and me. It didn't bite me and we ran back to the car. On the way back there was a scary man in front of me and I tried to avoid him by going under the fence, I think human mum was too big to follow me as she wouldn't let me and made me run really close to the scary man. He didn't hurt me so maybe he wasn't so scary after all.

When we got back to the car Kez and Kroi were happy to see me and we all went for a really fun run together. Kroi thinks he is faster than me and so I kept bumping into him to try and make him fall over!

Human mum has also been running some really long races recently. I think she is practising for something. She lets all of us run different bits of the races, human dad takes us in the car and when human mum appears he swaps us over.

We did a really, really long run this weekend. It was dark when we got up and really dark when we got home. Kez got to run first with human mum and then it was my turn.

It felt really weird running somewhere that I had never been before. There was a lovely big river that we seemed to be following as we could always see it as we ran, but human mum wouldn't let me chase the ducks or go swimming. There were so many people running near us and they were all really scary. I kept on trying to run away from any that came near us, but human mum wouldn't let me. She kept on trying to make me run on the same path as the scary people and I didn't want to. Then we suddenly saw a massive group of people and they were all staring at me. I was so scared and I tried to hide by laying down on the ground. If I made myself really small the people might not see me and I could play my “pretend I am somewhere else game”. But human mum picked me up and wouldn't let me lay down. She spoke to the people and then took some cake from the table where all the people were.

When we got away from the people human mum stopped and offered me a piece of cake. She was really upset and her eyes were watering. I don't like when her eyes water cos her voice goes funny and she smells different. I didn't want to eat the cake, so she eat it all instead.

When we started running again we went really slowly and lots of people overtook us. Every time they did I tried to lay down and hope they wouldn't see me. Human mum's eyes kept watering and I didn't want to look at her cos it made me feel sad and I felt even more scared.

We finally got to human dad and where he was waiting with Kez and Kroi. Human dad gave Kroi to human mum, but she wouldn't run. She just stood there saying words that I did not understand. Human dad tried to chase her away, but she kept stopping. Kroi tried to pull her away cos he wanted to run, but she just stood there. Human dad finally made her run away and Kroi tried to catch up with all the people that had scared me when they ran past. I suddenly felt really brave and knew I would be safe with human mum and Kroi, so I screamed at them to stop, jumped up and down, making human dad drop my lead and went chasing after them....

But a big scary man blocked my path and human dad grabbed my lead again. He took me back to the car. I could see human mum and Kroi in the distance, just standing still, waiting for me to get to them. But human dad drove away and it was ages before I saw them again.

When we finally got home it had been snowing and Kroi was so excited as he had never seen snow before. We played for hours and it was so much fun and made me so tired. Kez didn't play much, just watched. I think he was really sleep from all the running he did with human mum that day as he had four goes and I only had one go.

The next morning when human mum said hello to me in the morning I ignored her. I usually say “woo, woo” every time I see her, but this time I didn't. She lifted my paws and prodded me all over, but I stayed really still. I didn't even lift my head. Her eyes started watering and she went away for a while.

When she came back I remembered to say “woo, woo” and she smiled a really big smile and her whole face went smiley. She hugged me and said nice things She said that she though she had “lost me”, which is silly cos I was always there. I was just really, really sleepy and wanted one of those lay ins that humans speak of. The she said something really nice mummy, she said “dear Kobi your mummy would be so proud of you”. I know she meant you.

Wherever you are Mummy, I am trying really hard to be a big brave boy, I promise.

Kobi